20 September 2011

D + 60

Hello again!

So after a few questions I figured I'd give the readership an update of what's been going down.

So based on the blog title you can tall that Hannah has been home for pretty much two months.  It's been an interesting time.  We've probably averaged seeing each other about once every week and a half.  Things haven't really improved since the last update.

On Saturday night Hannah texted me and asked if I'd be at the 'rents on Sunday and if that would be a good time for her to say Hi to the fam.  I told her it would be, and she came over.  Again, as with all things so far, it was weird, she didn't stay very long at all.  When both BigSis and I go to the house on Sundays we all make ice cream, the maker was running when Hannah showed up and it was still going when she left.  Sometimes I feel like these awkward moments, the first phone call, the first get-together, and now this are so weird because Hannah is doing them expecting/looking for a sign that we're supposed to be together forever.  It also probably still goes along with the fact that she consciously trying to keep me at arms length.

To be honest, I'm fed up with the mixed signals, every time I leave after we're together I just feel frustrated and a little bit angry.  Sunday was no exception, in fact after she and BigSis left I sat down and had a heart to heart with my mom for the first time since... well, ever.  Mom said how Hannah seemed just like the girl who had left, and I explained how I've recognized that as the root of my problem here, she seems exactly the same so why are things so different?  Maybe it's just something my logical, male brain can't yet comprehend.  I told Mom all about how I'm frustrated, because Hannah told me that she wanted to date me and others "casually" but how I feel like I'm not on equal footing.  Hannah pushes me away to keep from falling back into a relationship with me right away, and I feel like I have a responsibility to give her space out of respect for her and our history.  In short, I don't feel like I can, or would be allowed to, pursue Hannah like I would with any other girl I would go after.

Anyway Mom didn't have much to say, I mostly think she was too stunned that I was actually talking to her about my personal life, which I've never done.

My life outside of "waiting" has been going well, school is starting, my classes come naturally to me, except Trigonometry, which I'm pretty sure isn't real, and just made up to mess with you.  I bought a car which I've named "Little Blackie"(10 points to whoever gets the reference) which has increased my ability to get things done several times over.  I drove a distance and took Smartypants out to dinner on Friday, which kind of counted against Hannah a lot.  When I talk to Smartypants things are natural, I can be myself, I don't really worry about anything, and I can be goofy.  When I'm with Hannah all I do is stress about... well, everything.  Which probably contributes to my frustration.  I'm not a serious person, I never have been, I don't believe in being serious unless it's absolutely necessary.  I'm no longer the person I want to be when I'm with Hannah.

Anyway, after the contrast from Smartypants to Hannah over the weekend I've decided that I need to start focusing on changing my mentality, and putting myself back on the market.


Tripp Hazard said...

How come you don't try and date Smartypants? It sounds like you are having lots more fun with her than you are with Hannah.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the update. Typical girl...

singlemormonchick said...

sounds like hannah is not transitioning well into real life. it also looks like she is expecting some sort of burning bush moment to REVEAL to her who she should marry which is ridiculous. real life is never going to match up to the intense spiritual nature of a mission and i am not sure if it should. i think its time to stop tip toeing around her. if you go out, be yourself as you would be with smartypants. if hannah's post mission up tightness wont allow that, its time to move on.