28 November 2010

Body Language

I haven't been written off yet!

Sometimes, I'm surprised by that fact.  As a communicator I'm very aware of non-verbal cues, but I've never been privy to just how reliant I am on them until this whole written correspondence thing.  I really should've known, I've never liked talking on the phone, I feel completely disarmed and don't know what to say.  Writing letters is very similar, I have no context for what I'm reading.  I think it's worse because I knew Hannah so well, and now she's changing as a missionary and I don't have a good frame of reference when judging her written words.  It's really confusing, I'm probably over-thinking everything, but that's what I do, I just don't talk about it, thus I type it here.

I'm still expecting to get written off any week.  Probably between my upcoming birthday and March, that's been consistent, interestingly Hannah is one of only two girlfriends I've had who have survived an entire winter.  I wonder why that is, I have heard people get depressed in the winter, most likely because of the lack of sunlight.  I've always enjoyed winter, it usually means more time spent cuddling watching movies or what not, which I'm always a fan of.  Of course that could indicate the problem, I could easily see how I might be considered boring during the winter because I don't want to do much, I like to stay in and be warm for the most part.  I think it's tough, this time of year is always a lonely time to be alone, and it's one of those perpetual things, I don't do anything because I'm unhappy, and I'm unhappy because I don't do anything.

I guess I can't say I don't do anything, I've actually decided to try going on dates again to grind through the winter.  Some prospects look promising, including a girl I met who may be my exact personality clone.  But I won't get my hopes up.  I'll play it safe.

18 November 2010

The Two Ones Paradox

I believe in the theory of infinite parallel universes.  I also believe in the soul-mate, although I believe that we all have multiple soul-mates and that decisions we make in life slowly narrow it down to our The One.

That said, I've gone off on a bit of a tangent that demonstrates the depth of my nerdom, while it may be interesting to someone, it's probably not necessary to understand the "Good parts" of this post.  If you'd like to save time, skip everything between the stars.

The concept of parallel realities, is that everyone of our decisions creates a split, the decision you made continues you on down the life you currently lead, and other parallel universes are created in which you selected each of the other logical possibilities.  This also applies to everyone else and they're decisions, creating almost an infinite interconnected web of human decision where there is(to quote an ancient proverb) "infinite diversity in infinite combination."  This would include realities where because of your parents different choices they never met and you do not exist.

I put a lot of thought into this one day in seminary when my teacher tried to explain how we can have true free agency, but God already knows our fate.  I came to realize that with a slight alteration it actually makes sense.  That is if you reverse the concept, where there already exist an infinite number of parallel time lines going forward from this point in time, representing every combination of decisions you could be confronted with, as well as every decision you will be confronted with as a result of all previous possible decisions.  In my concept, every time a decision is made all of the universes in which you made an alternate decision(as well as all subsequent decisions to those) are destroyed.  This supports my religion's view of faith in that, every possible path your life could take is already mapped out, and God in his infinite wisdom, knows you so well that he knows the decisions you will make based on situation, and knowing all the paths your life COULD take, he knows what path your life WILL take.

Anyway, this applies to every decision you make, no matter how seemingly insignificant, including when you decided what to eat for breakfast.  Needless to say some decisions don't alter your life course much at all if any, while others alter it completely, say, which school you decide to enroll in completely changes the people you will meet, who may or may not effect your future choices.

That's right, other people's decisions can effect your fate as well, perhaps your best friend at college, who encouraged you to  do something you otherwise wouldn't have, had chose a different school to attend.  You could have just as easily never met your husband, therefore your children, as you know them, no longer exist.

As I was saying, how decisions you make alter your life's course can vary greatly in magnitude.  Some may have altered where you find yourself sitting right now; others may have you sitting in the same place you are now, only with a different perspective on life.  There are so many possibilities when it comes to where you could be right now in a parallel universe that it can make your head spin, I don't recommend doing it for too long.

Based on your decisions and those of your multiple possible soul-mates, I believe, ultimately decides who your The One could be.  Based on your decisions you may have been in the same place, only with different experiences or credentials.  This also means there's a good chance you've met many of your soul-mates from different chains-of-events, I know I have.  In fact if I think hard enough I can usually point to a decision or two from before we met that are the only reasons a girl I've dated is not The One.  It's slightly depressing to try to predict alternate realities, I don't recommend that either.

This entire chain of thought was brought up again when I told Brian at work tonight about my eHarmony experiment.  He asked me if I thought Hannah was The One, I told him I believed she definitely could be.  He then asked what I would do if I met and started dating someone while Hannah was gone that I also began to feel was The One.  That question completely stumped me, which doesn't happen to often, it has been eating at me all evening and night.

The dilemma is that if that situation were to occur, it's likely I could never be happy with either of The One's, because I would have to make a choice, a choice that would be the destruction of the future with the other.  Psychologically the idea of making a choice between two girls who I both consider The One would likely create doubt in whatever decision I made.  Any issue that arose I would be tempted to chalk it up to making the wrong choice for the ideal life.  In all likelihood the alternative could have been the same, or even worse, but I would never know.  It'd be like Sophie's Choice.  Technically both choices would be equally wrong, so how do you make the right one?

I had lunch with Melissa yesterday, due to a scheduling change at work we were able to link up.  We ate from The Dragon Diner, which is really great Chinese if you're in the mood.  It was good, the conversation flowed pretty easily, which has been different from many of our previous experiences together.  Now I have all of these new thoughts about how I might proceed with dating.  Do I want to take the risk of finding someone else I really Click with?  If I do find a girl like that, how do I proceed?  What happens when Hannah gets home?  I can't exactly say "Tough luck, you decided to go on a mission", especially after I encouraged her so much to go if she wanted to.  How would I decide?  How COULD I decide?  I guess there's always polygamy, it seems to be a pretty sweet deal for that guy on TLC.

14 November 2010


I created a profile on eHarmony tonight.  I thought it'd be interesting, and mostly funny.  I created a profile about 4 years ago because a roommate and I were curious.  After I created mine I got an email about 15 minutes later telling me that based on my questionnaire answers I was part of the 15% of people who eHarmony chose not to match.  I'm not really sure what that means, personally I decided it was because I didn't need the help, and by matching me they'd be making more competition for people who really needed the service.  I never really took the whole dating site thing seriously, I guess I figure people got along just fine for thousands of years before the internet.  It was probably also a little pride, I've never felt like I've needed extra help, on top of that after Liz I always had this strong feeling I'd end up with someone I already knew.  And I might yet.

Anyway, I created a whole new profile, I was watching The Walking Dead and a commercial came on saying their free week ends tonight, so I figured I'd check out how it went.  Surprisingly enough I got 7 matches when I finished. First off, height is pretty important to me and I marked that it was, however I only had one match taller than 5'5", considering 5'4" is my self-decided minimum height, that didn't match me up very well.  I was surprised at the fact that almost all those matches have very nerdy profiles.  I guess I can't complain, I'm pretty geeky myself, but at the same time there's more to me than just that.

To be honest, my curiosity was peaked by the experience.  I am a very curious person, I would probably pay money to get the information that eHarmony is withholding from me, but it's not worth the $50/month.  I mean seriously, $50 per month to meet people?  Seems a little steep, maybe it's because I haven't reached the point of desperation yet.

All in all it was quite enlightening.  I wonder, how many people have used dating sites?  How has your experience gone?  If you haven't, why not?

Questions at the end of a post?  Pretty lame, but like I said, I'm a curious guy.

10 November 2010

A Marriage

I was writing a completely different entry when I went off on this tangent which was long enough to warrant it's own entry.

I was noticing how Married people always seem to have wedding pictures as profile pictures, it doesn't matter how long ago the wedding was.  I gave my older sister a hard time about this, she had the same wedding picture up for FOUR YEARS!  I refuse!

I try to prepare myself for my future wedding.  It seems like agreeing to expose yourself to considerable amount of discomfort.   First, I think wedding pictures are cheesy.  It seems like everyone has the same pictures, only with different subjects.  I'm not joking, if I had thier permission I have 3 friends with the EXACT same wedding picture.  You know the one, standing on the steps of the Salt Lake temple, it's a semi-profile close-up, taken from the side as the happy couple is talking or laughing, somewhat candidly.  I think engagement pictures are even more cheesy, again a majority are the same.  One complaint I have is how "the one ring" is always placed in the photo somewhere in a way that your eye is naturally drawn to it, though some are less subtle and the thing is just right there.  To be honest, after the number of weddings attended, I wouldn't say I'm excited for my own.  Sure I hope mine is really the "Happiest day" of my life, but sometimes I wonder how with all of the seemingly obligatory activities.  Hours of pictures no one really wants to be there for.

Then the reception.  Has anyone been to a wedding reception they actually enjoyed?  You show up with the gift, which you stow away somewhere, then you stand in the line.  Oh "the line", I think it's an automatic in Utah.  Most people have them, I think they're lame, you wait in line for 20 minutes to get 15 seconds say your congratulations to someone you probably saw a few days before, or at least already told one on one somewhat recently.  Of course I've had some friends try to avoid the line, but some way or another one always seems to form where ever they are at the time.  Secretly I've been doing all of my wedding planning, that is, trying to find a way to avoid a line, but it doesn't look good.  So after the line, then what?  Mostly you sit at a table, surrounded by 50 people you don't know, but that seem to know everyone else in the room, then eventually you decide you've been there long enough and go home.

I know the wedding is really "her day", so obviously these complaints would NEVER come up.  I've done my future wedding preparation, I say a mean "Yes, dear", and "That sounds great honey."  Really I don't care what my wedding is like, I would like it to be enjoyable, and not so cliche, but I guess that's just a perpetuity of Utah, and you swallow it with a smile.  I will also not have a wedding picture as my Facebook picture, I think pictures of my girl and I doing what we love will always be my favorite.  I don't think wedding photos are, at all, representative of myself.

07 November 2010


Wow!  I'm having bad luck!  The Rangers forgot to show up for the World Series last week and today the Utes don't show up against TCU!

Yeah I said it, I bleed red!  But mostly because of my hemoglobin.  Really I'm not that big into the Utah-BYU rivalry.  I grew up as a BYU fan, my parents both graduated there so we had season tickets to Cougar games, and that's where I learned the game of football.  Ah, football, I find I miss playing very much.  I played for 6 years before I quit to play baseball full time.  Sometimes I still regret that decision, as much as I love baseball, I miss the fun, and for some reason I was always more of a leader on the football field than on the baseball field.  In fact my last 4 seasons I was captain of the defense, probably because I was so intense, but it was great because I got to call the formations.  I think what ended my football career was getting a concussion the last game of my 6th season and not having another game scheduled to get that out of my system.  In the end I think I made the right decision for my body though, my first season I was nine years old, I was already 5'6" and 120 lbs. I was a behemoth, but as I matured I grew into more of a baseball players physique, and by high school at 6'3" 180lbs. I wasn't really big enough to keep playing football, especially defense.  Speaking of defense, I've always wondered if it says something about my personality that I've always loved and been most successful at the defensive aspects of sports, Pitcher in baseball, linebacker in football, even middle blocker in volleyball.  Hmm...

Anyway, back to the rivalry.  After a while we stopped going to BYU functions and began supporting the Utes.  Years later I would find out that, while my parents don't regret their time in Provo, they didn't want any of their children to attend, something about the fact that conformity is stressed so much on campus that the school simply produces clones, not individuals, which I can see some times.  So really I've spent time rooting on both teams, however recently I've been pushed deeper into Utah territory, mostly by BYU fans.  I don't think it's a secret to anyone in Utah how tense this rivalry is, and I know for many, mostly my BYU fanatic friends, rooting for both teams doesn't fly, if at any time you root for the Utes, you're just as bad as the rest of them.  To be completely honest I consider myself a Ute fan simply because it's become so fun to get my BYU fan friends so riled up, not really because I want the Utes to always win.

So am I really disappointed that the Utes lost today?  Am I bothered that the Rangers didn't go all the way?  No, what disappoints me is the fashion they lost in.  47-7?  That game was boring before the end of the 2nd Qtr.  Then the Rangers losing in 5 games was pitiful, I miss the days of the old series where they'd be pushed to 7 games.  Overall I wouldn't say I have a team, usually there are just players I really like, although I do want to see one team win, the competition and my entertainment is what's more important to me.  Tonight I wondered if this shows I lack true passion, or the inability to become passionate, in my life.

Then I remembered I'm still missing about half of each eyebrow, a sacrifice for my Halloween costume.

05 November 2010


Wow, all of a sudden I find myself posting all the time!  Most likely it's the spell of insomnia I've been experiencing for the last 2 weeks or so.

Sister missionaries are on a different schedule from the elders.  In the field the do transfers every 6 weeks, unfortunately 18 months does not divide by 6 weeks into a whole number so Sisters can choose between coming home 3 weeks before a true 18 months or 3 weeks after.  Last I heard, Hannah planned to come home 3 weeks early since that's when her proselyting license expires.  With all this in mind, even though my self-made countdown says I still have over 9 months I've actually already crossed the halfway point.

Maybe it's the "Middle-Third" abyss I've been warned about(where the middle 1/3 of their time away lasts the longest and is the most difficult), but I've begun to make myself accept that there's a 50/50 chance that things just aren't going to work out when Hannah gets home.  The first-third of her mission I pretty much brainwashed myself to believe it was a sure thing, that she'd get home, things would pick up where they left off after a few days of re-assimilation, and the rest would be history.  That tactic worked, really well in fact, the first 6 months really flew by, I remember saying how looking back these 6 months were a snap.  Well the last 3 have seemed to last longer than the previous 6, and I'm starting to wonder if my self-brainwashing technique worked a little too well.

After the ashley catastrophe, I promised myself I'd always take time to step back and be objective about my life and my situation, I suppose that's what I'm doing now.  To be honest, I'm getting my hopes up and I know it.  I keep fantasizing that things will go back to the way they were, but I know there are some things that are gone for good.  Really, I've decided to play it safe, expect the worst.  Now when I think of her coming home I picture some kind of robot, unable to cope with the real world, hounding me to become more righteous or spiritual, constantly quoting scripture,and void of knowledge beyond religion.  That's pretty much what I'm expecting at this point because, for me, her last several letters have been just that, I've even found it hard to write consistently as a result.

I don't need to be told I'm over-reacting, I know I am.  It's the way I cope with upcoming stressful situations, I think of the worst possible scenario, then over time convince myself that's the way it will be.  This way even if the worst thing I can think of happens it will be expected, and anything else will be a pleasant surprise.

04 November 2010


I guess my thoughts before made clear that I'm a bit of an infophile, I love gathering information.  Any information, if it's brought to my attention that there is something interesting I don't know, I have to learn about it.  Luckily, I was born in the information age and anything I'd like to know is only a few keystrokes away.  Unfortunately there is no end to satisfy my obsession, case and point: I was up until 2:30am the other night after I lost track of time reading some medical journals.

I don't discriminate by type either.  One think I picked up when I was down in the dorms was Cosmopolitan Magazine, slightly embarrassing perhaps.  It all started back in the Liz days, she and her roommates used to keep a few issues along with of design or fashion related magazines on their coffee table.  Every now and then there'd be a lull, our dorm really got along with theirs so we were up there most nights, and since we were all athletes, a different combination of us would be out-of-town any given night.  Originally we'd each pick up an issue and flip through and joke about what was written, one of my favorites was always a section in each issue called "The Man Manual."  I think the best thing about it was that a good 85% of the information about what guys want was completely off, and the other 15% was the information that the girls thought was completely off.  I often laughed at the things the female contributors would tell their readers that men "really want."  One part I found humorously valuable was the articles that were explaining how if-he-does-'this'-he's-thinking-'that'.  I mean what great information to have at my disposal!  I know exactly what girls think I'm thinking when I do things like cock my head to the side, the hand-holding configuration, and what feature I'm looking at as she's talking.  Really the reading has carried on, I don't run out to the store to buy the latest issue, but if I'm wandering the Barnes and Noble or stuck in a long check out line I'll still pick it up and flip through.  Sometimes I wonder if the inaccuracies go both ways.  My old roommate used to subscribe to Men's Health, and there were similar, though role-reversed, articles about women.  Plus who can resist some of those headlines?  "Seduce Any Woman, Any Time", "Get Hit On All the Time", "5 Signs Your Man is Lying", and "What She Means When She Says..."!

I'm proud of my collection of information, I like being considered knowledgeable.  Once, after a 3-hour Cash Cab marathon Hannah's older brother told me I was probably the smartest person he knows.  The trick is that it's all just knowledge, being smart is when you apply it.  There's a lot of trivia taking up space in my brain that I'll most likely never use, outside of impressing friends during Jeopardy, but I'll keep acquiring it all.  Sure most of it is probably useless but you never know when being able to name the Capital of Finland might come in handy!