25 February 2011

What You Don't Have

Ever since I mailed the rebuttal I've been considering my best course of action, regardless of response.  I can't say I really thought my reply would change her mind, but I felt I needed to finally be open with my feelings.  After all, I can guarantee I have been feeling the same thing Hannah has, possibly even longer, but I just sucked it up and dealt with it.  I don't like to show emotions like anger, distress, frustration, or sadness because I think it makes me look weak.  Overall, this strategy has seemed to come back around and get me every time.  My parents would give me more hefty punishments, since I wasn't mopey I 'obviously' didn't care.  My coaches always felt I didn't have enough passion because I didn't kick dirt around when I missed my spot.  Recently I've tried to let people know when I'm bothered or upset, but I usually wait until the end, I don't want to show I'm anything but indestructible unless it's absolutely necessary.  That's probably one of the reasons I like to be more sentimental in my blog, it's the only time I feel I can be since almost no one knows I write this.

Since sending my rebuttal and expressing my true feelings I've felt a little bit of a change.  I'm not excited for Hannah to come home.  For the past 13 months I could tell you the exact number of days until her mission was over off the top of my head, for the past two weeks I haven't really thought about it.  I notice my countdown at the top of the page and realize it's been ten days since I noticed how much time there was remaining.  For the past 13 months I've woken up, noticed my countdown, and realized how much I've missed seeing Hannah everyday, or being hugged, or cuddling together during a movie; For the past two weeks I haven't thought more about Hannah than was necessary in order to plan my next move, mostly what it was most likely she'd respond when I get it next week.

Tonight I realized that I knew the best course of action.  I won't be the one to pick up all of the slack and carry this thing myself, as sad as it seems that it's come to this, I have found the last two weeks a little liberating, I haven't been pining.  Unless Hannah makes a very profound response that changes my mind I've decided that I will only write her one last time on her mission.  I know it won't be easy, for most of the last 13 months Hannah's letters have been the bright spot in my weeks, but I will adapt.  The ball is in her court from here on out, I'll move on.

20 February 2011

Ward Prayer

I attended my first Ward Prayer tonight.  As in First Ever.

It was really enjoyable!  Brianne was there, we talked about what she wanted to do.  Not the girls version of "So what do you do?" where I really hear "How much do/will you make?", when I ask "what do you do?"  It more like a "please tell me you aspire to be more than a housewife." (note: nothing against housewifery, it's a time-honored tradition, just not exactly my thing, I'd get bored.)  Her answer passed judgment.  Then I ate some cookies.  Then spoke to the Bishop for about 20 minutes.  Then shortly after discovered in passing that Brianne is some familial relation to the bishop.  Wait, back up.  I'm still trying to figure it out, it only happened an hour ago, yet.  The bishop is far too young to be a grandparent, yet seemingly too old to be her father.  My hypothesis is that he is her father, that she's the youngest, and, like my family, the children are spread out over a wide range of years- did I mention that when I'm little sister can date I'll be just shy of 30, and my parents just shy of 60?

Well this gives me something to ponder.  I'm mean it's not like anything serious is going on, but do I want to affiliate with a bishop's daughter?  Especially a YSA ward bishop's daughter.   I know, I know, I've been told how unreasonable I am with girls, their religiosity and spirituality, as I have dated a girl who is now on a mission.

I've become pretty popular at the YSA ward.  I've only attended six times so far and already most of the regularly active girls know my name, some, like Brianne, make an effort to sit by me in Sunday school.  I've accepted this is a result of me being the most attractive, regularly active, ACTUALLY single, Young Single Adult in ward.  I don't feel I'm being cocky by saying this, and usually I'm really cocky, it's an easy form of humor if people get it, if not they hate me, anyway...  I also, like(from what I hear) most YSA wards, the single women outnumber single men about two to one.  I'll take it, it's nice to be the attractive guy.  I'm not ugly, based on what I've been told I'm probably an 8, though now that I've typed that I'm second-guessing myself, the 13 year-old nerd boy in my brain would have me believe I'm a 5.5.

I must say, I really enjoy this ward.  I didn't think I would, but now I actually find Sundays the easiest day of the week to wake up in the morning.

14 February 2011


I finally overcame my pride.  Well, not really, I just redirected it.

After a few days of thinking, and being angry and confused(which was compounding my anger) I got over feeling that I just needed to ignore Hannah for the next 5 and a half months.  I really wanted to, I realize now that it was mostly my wounded pride thinking, "Fine, have it your way, look me up in six months", then making a real effort at Melissa, or even Brandy.

In the past I would have just let it go, regardless of the reason given, because I didn't really want a serious thing.  When the Fun:Work ratio became slim I'd decide it was probably time to start moving on.  Why?  Well, my objective for dating is to have fun and be content, since I'm not looking for more than that there's really only so much I'll put up with before I'm not having enough fun.

Obviously, after a year, this one's different.  I finally decided to act aggressively, rather than roll over as I would in the past, I've confronted her head on.  I told her I think she's being unreasonable, that if she really thought we wouldn't become "distant" over a year and a half at 2000+ miles then she has been fooling herself.  I told her I am bothered by her pessimism and I informed her that I knew the risks from the first time she spoke of a mission, and I'll decide how I'll deal with them.

I also inquired as to if there was a reason that she waited so long, why now?  If she was so worried about me wasting my time, and wanting me to move on, why wait 13 months?  I also asked why the escalation after it was established that we both independently settled on the same plan for when she gets home, I assumed that would calm her rather than trigger an implosion.

In a nutshell I told her that I'll do as I see fit, waiting was and has always been my choice and I'll do it the way I want.  I choose to be an optimistic realist and I don't appreciate her pessimism.  Finally I reminded her that she's still on her mission, she needs to focus on that, she's not her "normal" self, and that the best strategy is probably to just wing it when she gets home anyway.

07 February 2011

Written Off

Well, the official wait is over.  I mentioned a while back that I had a feeling it was going to happen, so I knew it would happen.  I have these feelings about what people I know well will do, and I've been right every time I can remember having them.  However, even knowing in advance, while it may soften the initial blow, it doesn't help the overall feelings on the matter.

I knew something was up when I grabbed the envelope off the counter today.  This was her response to my response to her last serious letter.  While my response was three pages long, and I didn't even cover each topic, I recognized by touch that this envelope only contained a single paper.

I won't deny that, while mostly Hannah's letters are the highlight of my week, this letter ruined my day.  I experienced the normal progression of feelings, Disbelief: so I read it again, which led to Regret: that I encouraged her to go even though I knew the risk, followed by Sadness: I'll admit it, and finally on to Anger and Betrayal which I'm still feeling now.  The little Bro did come through, I texted him and we played a little Call of Duty via XBOX Live, which can be a great stress reliever.

I'm trying to move on, I'm looking at the situation logically, trying to decide my next step.  The next step is nearly just as confusing as the issue itself, the problem is, I know as a male you can never accurately guess what a woman wants you to do.  Do you pursue?  Do you give space?  You're wrong, it was the other one.  From experience I can say that if you pursue, you're smother her which makes it all worse; If you give her space she accuses you of not caring enough to pursue.

She says she wants to revert back to "the friend level."  I assumed and planned for the fact that she'd want space to be her own person when she got home.  By no means did I think or even want to go right back into our old ways, even so the thought of going back to the "friend level" is not something I wish to do, especially after remembering the months of stress involved in moving beyond that point the first time.  Now her homecoming will be awkward, as will every time we're together for months, if we're together.
"It would be best if you were not to wait for me these last few months.  A year and a half is a long time to wait for someone, just to not have anything happen when they get home.  I just want us to both be sure we're doing the right thing and are with the right person."
 Hannah continues on with the predictable "I still care about you" line.  Then I'm left to think.  I guess I'm confused because we had already discussed this situation and realized we were on the same page when it came to her coming home.

I guess I'll spend the remainder of the night considering all my available courses of action.  The betrayed part of me wants to cut contact and make her come to me, but my recent reading tells me that's not the ideal way to handle things because it leads to a battle of pride.  But still, I'm hurt, I can't deny, or ignore that.