I have to admit, the reason I’ve been so “down in the dumps” the last month or so is all because of Smartypants. Long story short, I’ve finally learned what was meant when your middle school English teacher tried to teach you about the Tragic Comedy.
Seriously, every time I think about it, which admittedly is WAY more than I wish I did, I’m either twisting my stomach in knots of sadness and frustration, or laughing and chuckling to myself. Some times the irony of the situation is just too much for me. So here’s the long story long version.
Smartypants and I actually met via the internet, which is still kind of weird to me, I honestly never thought I’d “meet” anyone on the internet, I still laugh at people who do. Anyway, we initially started talking, oh, about six months after Hannah left. At first it was just a text message or an email here and there, it went on like that for about another four or five months, when we finally met for the first time. Meeting someone you met online, in real-life for the first time is definitely an interesting experience. We met up at The Gateway, and I knew I’d like her right away when I recognized her as we were both burning some extra pre-movie time at Barnes and Noble. I kinda kept my head down, since I’m pretty sure she didn’t notice me. We met up at the movie theater and had a really good time.
Between then and now Smartypants had really made significant progress in (for me) a short amount of time. Even now Smartypants have only gotten together six times or so. Even still, I would number Smartypants as the third woman I have genuinely liked, along with Liz and Hannah.
Unfortunately, my lack of skill in “leading with my heart” became my undoing. I ended up weighing the strengths and weaknesses of Smartypants and Hannah against each other. Surprisingly, considering my respective history with each, it was tight, and by tight I mean dead even. It was ridiculous, I couldn't really argue either way and in the end I might as well have just tossed a coin to decide for me. So I made a decision, and I can honestly say I still don't know if I chose wisely. It pretty much came down to my long history with Hannah, which admittedly could mean absolutely nothing in the end, versus whether I thought I could avoid the feeling of "what might have been" with Hannah while dating Smartypants.
In the end I sided with Hannah, mostly sighting the fact that if Smartypants and I would have only been "dating" for a couple months(more like a matter of weeks, technically) before Hannah got home, that I couldn't create enough distance with Smartypants from Hannah in that time. I also knew that trying to juggle both would be out of the question, I can't do that ethically. The unfortunate thing is that I've still been experiencing the what-might-have-beens towards Smartypants. Logically that's ridiculous, I tell myself, "Self, you only hung out with Smartypants six times, and only a couple of those would be considered dates, get a grip man!" But it doesn't help, I guess some things stick with you.
I guess the ironic, ridiculous part about this whole mess, the thing that makes me laugh like a crazy man, is that I would never met Smartypants had Hannah not gone on a mission, there would have literally been no way we would have ever crossed paths. Then, Hannah being on a mission is also, really, the only reason Smartypants and I can’t be together at this time. It’s sad, but it’s so frustratingly ironic that I literally chuckle to myself.
Another irony is this conversation I had with my co-worker, Brian, months ago. I honestly did not believe that was a situation I was going to have to deal with, and I almost made it through! What are the odds that in five-and-a-half years since high school I meet two girls I really want to date, then I meet a third in the really the least ideal six month period possible. I feel like I got too cocky about my ability to control my own fate, and so fate responded with "Take this sucka!"
I know this is going to be something I'll struggle deeply with until Hannah gets home. Right now I just try to remind myself that I made a choice, and right or wrong in the end I'll have to roll with the punches, fate is a funny thing, who knows what will happen in the future. Not me.