25 February 2011

What You Don't Have

Ever since I mailed the rebuttal I've been considering my best course of action, regardless of response.  I can't say I really thought my reply would change her mind, but I felt I needed to finally be open with my feelings.  After all, I can guarantee I have been feeling the same thing Hannah has, possibly even longer, but I just sucked it up and dealt with it.  I don't like to show emotions like anger, distress, frustration, or sadness because I think it makes me look weak.  Overall, this strategy has seemed to come back around and get me every time.  My parents would give me more hefty punishments, since I wasn't mopey I 'obviously' didn't care.  My coaches always felt I didn't have enough passion because I didn't kick dirt around when I missed my spot.  Recently I've tried to let people know when I'm bothered or upset, but I usually wait until the end, I don't want to show I'm anything but indestructible unless it's absolutely necessary.  That's probably one of the reasons I like to be more sentimental in my blog, it's the only time I feel I can be since almost no one knows I write this.

Since sending my rebuttal and expressing my true feelings I've felt a little bit of a change.  I'm not excited for Hannah to come home.  For the past 13 months I could tell you the exact number of days until her mission was over off the top of my head, for the past two weeks I haven't really thought about it.  I notice my countdown at the top of the page and realize it's been ten days since I noticed how much time there was remaining.  For the past 13 months I've woken up, noticed my countdown, and realized how much I've missed seeing Hannah everyday, or being hugged, or cuddling together during a movie; For the past two weeks I haven't thought more about Hannah than was necessary in order to plan my next move, mostly what it was most likely she'd respond when I get it next week.

Tonight I realized that I knew the best course of action.  I won't be the one to pick up all of the slack and carry this thing myself, as sad as it seems that it's come to this, I have found the last two weeks a little liberating, I haven't been pining.  Unless Hannah makes a very profound response that changes my mind I've decided that I will only write her one last time on her mission.  I know it won't be easy, for most of the last 13 months Hannah's letters have been the bright spot in my weeks, but I will adapt.  The ball is in her court from here on out, I'll move on.


Anonymous said...

You don't know me and I don't know you, but i just want to say that I really look up to you!! I wish i did that to my returning missionary!! But now there isn't anything between us. Best of luck to the two of you!!


Anonymous said...

I just found your blog and am loving it! I will be very interested to hear what happens with you and Hannah in the end. My missionary "Dear John"-ed me 14 months in. I wrote him a rebuttal and that was it the rest of his mission.

When he came home, I was so scared. But we hit it off! Long story short...we've been married for 7 great years and have 2 kids. So you never know!

KayliBayli said...

I've been following your blog for a while now, and I must say that its wonderful. I can relate to you in may ways. And I thank you for your thoughts and words. Press forward.

Anonymous said...

Let me just say, be grateful she did it while she was on her mission. Rather than waiting until after her homecoming talk, at the afternoon luncheon, infront of the parents. I will never wait for an elder again. Not a smart move, and way too much pining and desperation! I admire you for having the courage to do that, because I honestly didn't!