07 February 2011

Written Off

Well, the official wait is over.  I mentioned a while back that I had a feeling it was going to happen, so I knew it would happen.  I have these feelings about what people I know well will do, and I've been right every time I can remember having them.  However, even knowing in advance, while it may soften the initial blow, it doesn't help the overall feelings on the matter.

I knew something was up when I grabbed the envelope off the counter today.  This was her response to my response to her last serious letter.  While my response was three pages long, and I didn't even cover each topic, I recognized by touch that this envelope only contained a single paper.

I won't deny that, while mostly Hannah's letters are the highlight of my week, this letter ruined my day.  I experienced the normal progression of feelings, Disbelief: so I read it again, which led to Regret: that I encouraged her to go even though I knew the risk, followed by Sadness: I'll admit it, and finally on to Anger and Betrayal which I'm still feeling now.  The little Bro did come through, I texted him and we played a little Call of Duty via XBOX Live, which can be a great stress reliever.

I'm trying to move on, I'm looking at the situation logically, trying to decide my next step.  The next step is nearly just as confusing as the issue itself, the problem is, I know as a male you can never accurately guess what a woman wants you to do.  Do you pursue?  Do you give space?  You're wrong, it was the other one.  From experience I can say that if you pursue, you're smother her which makes it all worse; If you give her space she accuses you of not caring enough to pursue.

She says she wants to revert back to "the friend level."  I assumed and planned for the fact that she'd want space to be her own person when she got home.  By no means did I think or even want to go right back into our old ways, even so the thought of going back to the "friend level" is not something I wish to do, especially after remembering the months of stress involved in moving beyond that point the first time.  Now her homecoming will be awkward, as will every time we're together for months, if we're together.
"It would be best if you were not to wait for me these last few months.  A year and a half is a long time to wait for someone, just to not have anything happen when they get home.  I just want us to both be sure we're doing the right thing and are with the right person."
 Hannah continues on with the predictable "I still care about you" line.  Then I'm left to think.  I guess I'm confused because we had already discussed this situation and realized we were on the same page when it came to her coming home.

I guess I'll spend the remainder of the night considering all my available courses of action.  The betrayed part of me wants to cut contact and make her come to me, but my recent reading tells me that's not the ideal way to handle things because it leads to a battle of pride.  But still, I'm hurt, I can't deny, or ignore that.


Anonymous said...

There are plenty of other fish out there. Don't be too discouraged!

singlemormonchick said...

i know our situations are not the same, but...i feel your pain. it been more than a month since dick broke up with me and i am still considering what(if anything)i should do. what you wrote about the pursue or let go, really resonated with me.
bottom line: what she is going through is pretty typical for this time in her mission. this can all still work out-if you want it to. no one comes home from a mission unchanged. sometimes good, sometimes bad,but either way, it just might be changes that you dont personally like.
i know you dont buy much into the prayer/personal revelation thing, but...give it a whirl.
please keep writing your blog and letting us know what happens.
i am sorry. i know you are hurt and disappointed.

Ashley said...


I hated the people who said they felt sorry for me when I was getting divorced.. so let me give you the best line I received..

that sucks!

I dont even have words for you. I dont want to tell you its going to be okay...So I wont..

Just do what you want to do for the next few days, weeks, months.
COD.. Is how I made it through my divorce... I was addicted this summer..
dont judge..
much love
ashley from divorcedand20

Lisa Ann said...

My trainer and her boyfriend were called to the same mission. They were from the same ward. They never served in the same zone. Both of them were great missionaries. She received hate mail from her family...so if she was any further away from him she may not have lasted in the field. We served at the time when they reduced guy's mission time to 18 months. He was out longer than a year so he was given the choice of 18 months or two years. He chose to finish two years. She went home and for the next 6 months dated and even Dear Johned him. They got married after he was home 6 months.
Waiting girlfriends and boyfriends can be such a distraction to missionaries. Hannah probably wants to clear her head the last few months. I would have no contact with her and just enjoy dating other girls. After she has been home a month then I would contact her...or allow her to contact you. I know it sounds cliche but if it's meant to happen it will. Good luck

Faith, Trust, and a Little Pixie Dust said...

Wow, what a fascinating blog & heartfelt writing. There may be hope yet. She may just be worried about feeling pressure when she returns. She's blessed to have your friendship either way.

Warmly, Michelle