I knew something was up when I grabbed the envelope off the counter today. This was her response to my response to her last serious letter. While my response was three pages long, and I didn't even cover each topic, I recognized by touch that this envelope only contained a single paper.
I won't deny that, while mostly Hannah's letters are the highlight of my week, this letter ruined my day. I experienced the normal progression of feelings, Disbelief: so I read it again, which led to Regret: that I encouraged her to go even though I knew the risk, followed by Sadness: I'll admit it, and finally on to Anger and Betrayal which I'm still feeling now. The little Bro did come through, I texted him and we played a little Call of Duty via XBOX Live, which can be a great stress reliever.
I'm trying to move on, I'm looking at the situation logically, trying to decide my next step. The next step is nearly just as confusing as the issue itself, the problem is, I know as a male you can never accurately guess what a woman wants you to do. Do you pursue? Do you give space? You're wrong, it was the other one. From experience I can say that if you pursue, you're smother her which makes it all worse; If you give her space she accuses you of not caring enough to pursue.
She says she wants to revert back to "the friend level." I assumed and planned for the fact that she'd want space to be her own person when she got home. By no means did I think or even want to go right back into our old ways, even so the thought of going back to the "friend level" is not something I wish to do, especially after remembering the months of stress involved in moving beyond that point the first time. Now her homecoming will be awkward, as will every time we're together for months, if we're together.
"It would be best if you were not to wait for me these last few months. A year and a half is a long time to wait for someone, just to not have anything happen when they get home. I just want us to both be sure we're doing the right thing and are with the right person."Hannah continues on with the predictable "I still care about you" line. Then I'm left to think. I guess I'm confused because we had already discussed this situation and realized we were on the same page when it came to her coming home.
I guess I'll spend the remainder of the night considering all my available courses of action. The betrayed part of me wants to cut contact and make her come to me, but my recent reading tells me that's not the ideal way to handle things because it leads to a battle of pride. But still, I'm hurt, I can't deny, or ignore that.