21 March 2011


How do you know who you are?  Sometimes I forget, sometimes I feel that I'm constantly changing and I can't remember who I was a year ago.  Have my interests changed?  Maybe it's only my priorities.

I've been talking a lot the last couple weeks to various people.  I've started to realize what a great gig some shrinks have.  Really, you put people in a situation where they feel like they're comfortable enough to talk about anything and they start spilling EVERYTHING.  Then you ask a few simple questions which triggers so analytical thinking and, voila, there's your answer.

I've started to analyze my relationship with Hannah before she left.  Probably not a good idea given it's been nearly 14 months and I honestly don't remember much of it other than things we did together.  Granted, there are huge holes in my memories of the two of us together, but I can't help but wonder if our relationship was as great as I thought.  The gap between breaking up with Liz and dating Hannah was my smallest, could it have all been a delayed rebound?  Sometimes I think back and wonder if Hannah and I agree too much, but then again many of my friends say I've become more confrontational over the last year.  I can't help but wonder if the issues with the letters is a foreshadowing of the difference in our spirituality, to be completely honest I almost can't stand receiving her general e-mails to her family that are forwarded on to me, I don't know that person.  Sure, people say, "She's on a mission, it always happens."  But those feelings just don't disappear like that, they're always there, they may just become hidden behind a mask of normalcy.

My cousin got married this weekend.  It caused a lot of drama in the family.  We've always been closer with our Aunts, Uncles, and Cousins than most families, so everyone is involved with everyone else.  As cousins get older family holiday parties have become like showcases, boyfriends and girlfriends are brought to see how they stand up, and see if they can gain approval.  I like to think I know how to pick'em.  My family loved both Liz and Hannah.  The drama with this wedding was that no one really approved of the match on our side.  Apart from violating several of my "lines in the sand" when it comes to weddings and receptions, I haven't really had a part in the scandal.  After going home today and discussing the issue with my family I came to realize my problem, I'm too laid back.

I'm the kind of guy that knows a good amount about many, many things which, while being a valuable skill in the real world, has become the source of much paranoia in my romantic life.  The problem lies in the fact that when I become interested in a girl(or really when I'm around relations in general) I tend to subconsciously mirror them.  Their interests become my interests.  Really I've found it to be a natural process, they start talking about their interests so I begin discussing their interests with enough knowledge that they think it must be a major interest of mine as well (not to say it isn't).  The issue is that I've become laid-back, sometimes I feel like I'm lost and I'm not being myself.  My masks allow me to be anyone, the problem ism every time I don a new one I seem to gain some amnesia about why I bothered wearing the last one.

I suppose I'm dealing with a lot of confusion in my personal life right now.  I'm trying to decide on and prioritize what I think I want.  I'm trying to decide where Hannah stands with me, or if she does at all; Then struggling with the fact that the judgment is unfair after 14 months apart.  (I feel like I should throw in a sweet analogy right now, but I can't really think of an adequate one, we'll try this:) It's almost like trying to decided if you'll still like a TV show's latest season after missing the one previous.  You can't accurately judge because you don't know the direction it's gone in the season you missed.

I was confronted on the matter of my thoughts and feelings towards Hannah, and those of pursuing a new relationship, it was frustrating to realize that I really just don't know.  Frustrating because I feel like I'm always the guy who can come up with the plan that covers all the bases.  I just don't know, and I found myself repeating that line a lot following the questions as they came, I really just don't know.

There's a lot going on in my mind right now, how to handle the Hannah thing, how to approach new feelings, how to be who I want to be rather than a reflection of whoever I'm with, or maybe the answer is to be with someone whose reflection I'd want to be.  In the words of Derek Zoolander, "I guess I have a lot of things to ponder..."


Fei said...

You know, I'm a lot like you in the sense that I adopt traits of the person I'm with and become them while I am with them, and after every breakup (and believe me, I've had many), I'd find myself lost and confused about everything.

Part of the challenge is figuring out who you are on your own, yes. But being an individual is overrated. Our significant other is always going to be a major part of our identity.

Don't waste too much time on figuring out who you are. Who you want to become is actually far more important. Assess who you are only with the perspective of how far away you are from your goals.

And when I say decide who you want to be, I mean someone you actually can be in a natural way (not trying to force yourself in a mold that you don't belong to).

Once you have an idea, you'll be able to find yourself in your relationships, not lose yourself in them. Because you'll choose partners who will help you become what YOU want to be.

Hmm. Sorry, I guess this could have been a whole blog post of my own. I hope that helps.

You're going through a tough time right now, but don't spend too much time over analyzing the past, look ahead instead.

singlemormonchick said...

fei makes some great points and she might be 100% right, but i am wondering if you are entering a phase of ambivalence anticipating what MIGHT happen when hannah comes home. its like a way to protect your heart. i have done it myself. just saying.

Kaybaybay said...

I know what you mean. One must find themselves before they find someone else to be themselves with.

Waiting On A Sister Missionary said...

I know who I am, that's why I recognize this as an issue.

The problem is that everyone in a relationship deviates from who they are as a compromise to the people they're with, mostly without even thinking about it. The hard part is deciding if that deviation is within acceptable limits.