There was a letter waiting for me when I got home today, addressed from Hannah. I was surprised, she's held so strongly to the ultimatum she gave me last fall. Considering I haven't mailed a letter in a month I didn't really expect anything, but checking the mail about mid-week is a residual habit now. Another thing that is still a residual habit? Getting excited when I see a letter from Hannah in the mail.
Getting mail from Hannah used to make my day! Seriously, I'd have one of those stupid smiles on my face for hours after checking the mail and reading her correspondence. Now it's the opposite, out of habit I still get excited when I see that envelope sitting on the table. When I finish however, there is no stupid grin, only words of frustration. Her letters seem on par with those birthday cards from the great-aunt you haven't seen in 10 years, no real content; some rambling about things that are important to her but don't really interest you; a few specific questions, just specific enough so that you know she knows whom she's writing to.
I just sat here for a minute, the letter unfolded in front of me thinking, who is this person? Do I even know? How do I reply? She only asked me three of the most general questions she could: "What have you been up to?", "How's your new job?", and "Are you happy it's Spring?" To be honest these letters only make me feel like I'm doing the right thing in my recent efforts to move on.
Will I write back? Of course, I'm not a jerk. What will I say? Who knows, I'm pretty much trying to figure out how to say, "Look me up if you ever become normal again." in a way that doesn't seem mean, self-centered, or altogether to douche-baggy. Because that is what I'd like, I think socializing too much, too early would be the final nail in the coffin for the Hannah Era of my life.
3 comments:
i had a similar experience with mr ex man. its weird to have once loved someone so much that you cant see your future without them in it and then you just dont know how you ever felt that way. it kind of sucks, but you seem to be handling it well. i hope you leave yourself open to the possibility of her becoming "normal" again and starting a life together.
I stumbled upon your blog and find it interesting.
I have been married 6 years my missionary. When he left, I still had 2 years of high school left. Because I was so young, we didn't make any serious commitments. We just wrote and increased our relationship as much as we could without actually seeing each other.
When he came home, there were no assumptions or expectations. That made it easy for our relationship to develop naturally. There wasn't pressure to follow through with anything we had said in the past but didn't currently feel the same way.
Anyway, I don't really know what I'm getting at... Just try not to have expectations because that can lead to disappointment and I hope she does the same.
I appreciate your readership! I don't know,
sometimes I wonder whether Hannah and I were all that compatible, or if i just got caught up and carried away.
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