I had a good conversation with Smartypants earlier this week that really got me thinking. One part of the conversation was about what I'm going to do about Hannah now. Smartypants' recommendation was "delete from life."
At first I was reluctant to even consider it. See, I hold on to things, I think it's a form of self-punishment. The thing I hate about myself most is that I hold myself to these unattainable standards, then I'm incredibly hard on myself when I fail. Usually when I fail big-time I spend years telling myself what I should have done, how I should have done better, but didn't.
I don't admit this easily, but since Hannah has gotten home I've been struggling, much more than anyone can see. I walk around wearing this mask of arrogance and self assurance in order to hide the fact that I feel any sadness or depression. The reality is I've been severely depressed for over three months now, every aspect of my life has seen a decline in quality, I struggle to focus at work, I'm falling behind at school, I'm forgetful, I can't sleep when it's time for bed and when I need to be productive all I can do is think about sleeping.
What makes it worse is that I recognize all of these things and I still can't pull myself out of it. Which makes me hate myself, because I should be able to solve this problem.
During the conversation about deleting Hannah from my life I couldn't help but think about the film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind the movie was hard to follow at times, and trying to do Trig homework while watching didn't help, but it made me think about the concept brought up in the movie. What if you could delete all of your memories of one person or event in your life? Would you really want them gone? Would you be better off without them? Or would you just end up repeating all of the same mistakes?
I'm taking Smartypants' advice. I'm starting to delete Hannah from my life in the ways that are realistically possible, Facebook. I meticulously had to "untag" each picture of us together, and deleted each picture that I had posted of her or anything we did together. It was amusing as I did this little walk down memory lane, how much of a parallel to the movie this was. In the movie, the main character Joel is asked to go back through all of his memories of his former girlfriend, so they can locate them and target them for deletion.
While I was at it I deleted all of our peripheral mutual friends. The final step, deleting Hannah herself as a friend, I've decided to put off until next week. The way I see it, if I do it right before I leave for New York, I'll be so focused and excited that I won't have time to think about it.
I believe everything happens for a reason. As hard and as emotional as the last 21 months have been, and the rut they've seemingly put me in, I've also, during the same time, been given the tools to pull out of this rut. I've discovered new relationships that would have never existed without this period, Smartypants being the best example.
Right now I can see that I'm in a position to pull out of this hard time, I've built some momentum over the last month, now it's time to see if it's enough to propel me over the summit.