Wow, all of a sudden I find myself posting all the time! Most likely it's the spell of insomnia I've been experiencing for the last 2 weeks or so.
Sister missionaries are on a different schedule from the elders. In the field the do transfers every 6 weeks, unfortunately 18 months does not divide by 6 weeks into a whole number so Sisters can choose between coming home 3 weeks before a true 18 months or 3 weeks after. Last I heard, Hannah planned to come home 3 weeks early since that's when her proselyting license expires. With all this in mind, even though my self-made countdown says I still have over 9 months I've actually already crossed the halfway point.
Maybe it's the "Middle-Third" abyss I've been warned about(where the middle 1/3 of their time away lasts the longest and is the most difficult), but I've begun to make myself accept that there's a 50/50 chance that things just aren't going to work out when Hannah gets home. The first-third of her mission I pretty much brainwashed myself to believe it was a sure thing, that she'd get home, things would pick up where they left off after a few days of re-assimilation, and the rest would be history. That tactic worked, really well in fact, the first 6 months really flew by, I remember saying how looking back these 6 months were a snap. Well the last 3 have seemed to last longer than the previous 6, and I'm starting to wonder if my self-brainwashing technique worked a little too well.
After the ashley catastrophe, I promised myself I'd always take time to step back and be objective about my life and my situation, I suppose that's what I'm doing now. To be honest, I'm getting my hopes up and I know it. I keep fantasizing that things will go back to the way they were, but I know there are some things that are gone for good. Really, I've decided to play it safe, expect the worst. Now when I think of her coming home I picture some kind of robot, unable to cope with the real world, hounding me to become more righteous or spiritual, constantly quoting scripture,and void of knowledge beyond religion. That's pretty much what I'm expecting at this point because, for me, her last several letters have been just that, I've even found it hard to write consistently as a result.
I don't need to be told I'm over-reacting, I know I am. It's the way I cope with upcoming stressful situations, I think of the worst possible scenario, then over time convince myself that's the way it will be. This way even if the worst thing I can think of happens it will be expected, and anything else will be a pleasant surprise.