17 May 2011

My Own Worst Enemy

I have quite a few issues, and any I wasn't aware of before have been brought to my attention recently.  Usually my issues, like hyper-competitiveness, defiance, pride, and over-rationalization work together in a weird way to end up being some of my greatest strengths.

Other times they seem to conspire against me and tie my hands, I'm bound by them, regardless of what I really want.

I've really just decided that at this point, with only two months left, I just have to actually wait for Hannah.  No matter how much I may want to date it's just really not fair to the other party that I may or may not drop everything when Hannah get's home.

It's really like an unfair amount of realism.  I got to the point where I had to ask myself, "Would I choose to date me right now?"  The honest answer was no, especially if they have other options.  With so little time left I can't honestly give anyone 100% and it wouldn't be fair to pretend like I could right now.  It's my Kobayashi Maru, either way I choose I'd end up in a "what might have been" situation.  I've created a scenario where all I can really do is wait and see, and hope that by waiting and seeing I haven't painted myself into a corner.

Really it bums me out.  I've pretty much been down for the last three or four weeks since I made that realization.  I've spent a lot of time thinking, I feel like I can always find a solution where everybody wins, but here I just have to suck it up and deal with it.  I have to just wait, play it all by ear and in a couple months I be free of this self-created prison and I can do what I want without wondering what-if.

1 comment:

ashley @ divorced at 20 said...

we can be 100% awesome friends? is that cool? ps. I am too lazy to text you.. but next time its sunny out, and we have work off can we play volleyball?