17 May 2011
My Own Worst Enemy
I have quite a few issues, and any I wasn't aware of before have been brought to my attention recently. Usually my issues, like hyper-competitiveness, defiance, pride, and over-rationalization work together in a weird way to end up being some of my greatest strengths.
Other times they seem to conspire against me and tie my hands, I'm bound by them, regardless of what I really want.
I've really just decided that at this point, with only two months left, I just have to actually wait for Hannah. No matter how much I may want to date it's just really not fair to the other party that I may or may not drop everything when Hannah get's home.
It's really like an unfair amount of realism. I got to the point where I had to ask myself, "Would I choose to date me right now?" The honest answer was no, especially if they have other options. With so little time left I can't honestly give anyone 100% and it wouldn't be fair to pretend like I could right now. It's my Kobayashi Maru, either way I choose I'd end up in a "what might have been" situation. I've created a scenario where all I can really do is wait and see, and hope that by waiting and seeing I haven't painted myself into a corner.
Really it bums me out. I've pretty much been down for the last three or four weeks since I made that realization. I've spent a lot of time thinking, I feel like I can always find a solution where everybody wins, but here I just have to suck it up and deal with it. I have to just wait, play it all by ear and in a couple months I be free of this self-created prison and I can do what I want without wondering what-if.