To Sum Things Up

It's probably safe to say this blog about my personal experiences waiting for Hannah, a sister missionary, has run it's course.  However unsuccessful or disappointing it may have been I did learn a few things while doing my time:


First off, I would never wait for a missionary again.  It really has nothing to do with me being upset or jilted.  I thought I was being really smart in the way I was waiting in that I wasn't "exclusively waiting."  What it took me over a year to realize is that there is no "smart" way to wait.  The smart thing to do is to not ever let yourself get too close to anyone who may go on a mission.  It really is an impossible situation, you want to date, but that missionary will always be floating around in the back of your mind.  Of course, if you're the type who can decide if they want to marry by the third date you can probably disregard this entire post, and probably the rest of the blog as well.


Next, a rather valuable lesson for me.  I am not the rock or island I thought I was.  I have always prided myself on my complete independence, and that any dependencies I do have are purely voluntary in nature.  I think the last year and a half has proven otherwise.  I do NEED some amount of emotional and physical intimacy or I seem to slowly start leaking emotion indiscriminately.  Maybe I need a dog or something.


I also became more aware that I am a bit of a control freak when it comes to life.  People who know me would probably laugh hearing that, mostly because when it comes to a lot of decisions I'm indecisive because I don't care.  However, in life I need to feel like I have some element of control, I've really hated the amount of uncertainty that "waiting" has added to my life.  I think the constant feeling that I'm going to be really happy or really depressed at some point in the near future is just too much for me, especially when that depends on something I can't control, i.e. Hannah.


I need to stop being so silly about dating.  I won't ever stop being incredibly picky, but when it comes to dating I need to decide my goal and go for it.  I need to stop treating the period from hanging out to boyfriend/girlfriend less like a war of attrition and take a more proactive role.  I think I've been starting to make some progress with this my first goal has been to become more liberal with touching and physical signs of affection, and hopefully one day I'll be able to get into "dating mode in less than three months.


Finally, I need to live a little more in the present, rather than in a combination of the past and the future.  Sometimes I feel like I need to, which stems from my control-freakishness towards life, but I really can't keep trying to predict what other people will do.  I really just need to "live in the now" and stop basing decisions I make so much on what may or may not happen in the future.


I guess from a personal perspective waiting was good, I learned a few important things about myself, I was able to identify some weaknesses, as well as a few areas I stress about and need to cut myself some slack on.  I would definitely not wait again, but would I advise other to avoid waiting as well?  Perhaps not, sometimes people need to be knocked back a few notches to avoid becoming apathetic.


Adieu.

Emotionless

Many people I'm acquainted with like to see I have no feelings or emotions.  This is obviously untrue, everyone feels emotion, and anyone who reads this blog has read my whining and ranting.  I don't like showing a lot of emotion around most people because they've proven a bit of a weakness of mine in the past, so I dull my emotion for the general populace.


I am pretty good at masking my emotion, I hide them well in conversation and I'm really good at conveying only the emotions I want to.


When I'm feeling particularly emotional, and thereby vulnerable, I tend to punish myself.  Usually by trying to push myself to that emotional extreme, making whatever I'm dealing with at the time seem small.


Recently, and quite predictably, I've been experiencing a lot of loneliness and issues related to it.  I'll admit it freely, I've started to struggle with it a lot.  I don't want to say it has made me unhappy, I am content, but I am still aware that I'm not as happy as I could be.


This morning I woke up early, too early, with a lot on my mind, mostly regarding my loneliness.  I got a little bummed that I have been feeling like I need to do all of this plotting and scheming to ditch this thing and be fully happy.  Honestly I tire of the effort I've been putting in, though I'm sure that's true of any fruitless effort.


Perhaps I've been relying on the wrong things or people to push me beyond my general content, maybe if I stop trying I can just relax and be happy again.

Please be 'Trunky'

Today in the mail I got what will probably be one of my last letters from Canada.  Recent letters have been a source of great frustration for me.  I think it's because I can see these little glimmers of hope, which Hannah immediately apologizes for and slips back into missionary-mode.


For instance, in this letter she was explaining to me her plans for life once she gets home, and how she's excited to move on to the next epoch of her life.  Then she made reference to an inside joke, which made me happy, it made me feel like she wasn't all gone.  Then she goes into apologizing for being "trunky" followed by several strictly, and very, mission-related paragraphs.  It, kind of, made me laugh afterward because nothing would make me happier than to hear all about how trunky she is, or how homesick she is, or how excited she is to see me.




I really hope I don't come off as that guy who needs the perfect woman.  I wonder if Hannah is so worried about seeming "trunky" because I might see it as a sign of weakness.  She apologized profusely for crying in front of me before she left, but honestly I may have shed a tear if I experienced emotion like normal people.

I wonder, do I make Hannah feel like I expect too much? When it comes to what I say I want in a woman I'm probably a little hyperbolic, and maybe it's taken to far.  Sometimes I worry people think I expect too much.  I'm much more realistic than I seem at first.

One Word to Describe You.

I was working with Prementor the other day.  We have a very JD-Coxian relationship, she gives me a lot of crap at work for things, but I accept that it's mostly because she wants me to be better at work, and at life, than everyone else.


Last night she said, "You know, Chris, I used to think I'd describe you as a Narcissist, but now I think you're just weird.  That's the only word I can think of to describe you."


I've long accepted that it's very difficult for people to describe or explain the kind of person I am, but it was really funny to hear it put so plainly.  It got me thinking about what word I would use to describe myself.  At first I thought about "brainy", then I thought that maybe "weird" was a good one.  I finally settled on "Sufficient."


"Sufficient" may not be a very romantic word to describe yourself as.  The dictionary defines "Sufficient" as "Adequate for the purpose; Enough."  I feel that, however boring, it describes me more completely than any other word of which I know.  You can think of just about anything, and I am "sufficient".  Sure, sometimes I'm more than sufficient, but I'm always, at least, as much as is needed.

My Free Time

I've spent quite a few of my last days off with BangsMcCoy.  Bangs has been a welcomed distraction from Hannah and Smartypants.


I'm always entertained by BangsMcCoy, probably because she and I are so similar, eerily similar sometimes.  I joke that Bangs is the female version of myself and vice versa.  Not that she's exactly like my, only a girl, but that she is what I would have turned out like had I been raised as a girl including all implied and taught gender roles.


It's been really good to get out and just joke relentlessly with someone for a change.  I love to joke and tease, but recently with Hannah I feel like I've had to walk on egg shells, which is hard.  Even with Smartypants, sure I flirted a lot via teasing, but I was still trying hard to impress her so there was always a little stress involved with that.  Yes, it's been nice to really just let loose with Bangs.


Maybe I just started taking myself too seriously.  The last two weeks I've been starting to let loose.  I think originally I had gone a little crazy with things with those girls.  Now I've relaxed a little more, I ordered some stuff online last week, some of it has shown up and every time I think about it I start this excited(and admittedly a little creepy) giggling.


Anyway, thanks to my new friend BangsMcCoy, for putting up with the endless teasing and joking.  Whether you know it or not, I've needed it.

Not What I Needed to Hear

Today was P-day for Hannah.  I decided to E-mail her to ask her a question.  You see, I used the last of my stamps sending my last letter to Canada(I sent 45 letters in 70 weeks.  Devotion, right?), and since the smallest set of stamps costs about $20 I wanted to ask if she was alright just Emailing for her last couple weeks.  I got her response, which was about a sentence long and said:

"Hi Chris, So you can email me, but I want to be obedient, so I'll just write you letters in return."

Part of me understands.  The other part is screaming "WTF?!?!?!?!"  It scares me a little, and by "a little" I mean "a metric ton", that with weeks left she's still so strictly in this mode.  I really expected her to be homesick, therefore more open or excited to communicate more quickly.  I guess I'm confused.  I'd think she'd be homesick at this point and slavering for a chance to communicate reasonably again.