12 June 2011

To Sum Things Up

It's probably safe to say this blog about my personal experiences waiting for Hannah, a sister missionary, has run it's course.  However unsuccessful or disappointing it may have been I did learn a few things while doing my time:

First off, I would never wait for a missionary again.  It really has nothing to do with me being upset or jilted.  I thought I was being really smart in the way I was waiting in that I wasn't "exclusively waiting."  What it took me over a year to realize is that there is no "smart" way to wait.  The smart thing to do is to not ever let yourself get too close to anyone who may go on a mission.  It really is an impossible situation, you want to date, but that missionary will always be floating around in the back of your mind.  Of course, if you're the type who can decide if they want to marry by the third date you can probably disregard this entire post, and probably the rest of the blog as well.

Next, a rather valuable lesson for me.  I am not the rock or island I thought I was.  I have always prided myself on my complete independence, and that any dependencies I do have are purely voluntary in nature.  I think the last year and a half has proven otherwise.  I do NEED some amount of emotional and physical intimacy or I seem to slowly start leaking emotion indiscriminately.  Maybe I need a dog or something.

I also became more aware that I am a bit of a control freak when it comes to life.  People who know me would probably laugh hearing that, mostly because when it comes to a lot of decisions I'm indecisive because I don't care.  However, in life I need to feel like I have some element of control, I've really hated the amount of uncertainty that "waiting" has added to my life.  I think the constant feeling that I'm going to be really happy or really depressed at some point in the near future is just too much for me, especially when that depends on something I can't control, i.e. Hannah.

I need to stop being so silly about dating.  I won't ever stop being incredibly picky, but when it comes to dating I need to decide my goal and go for it.  I need to stop treating the period from hanging out to boyfriend/girlfriend less like a war of attrition and take a more proactive role.  I think I've been starting to make some progress with this my first goal has been to become more liberal with touching and physical signs of affection, and hopefully one day I'll be able to get into "dating mode in less than three months.

Finally, I need to live a little more in the present, rather than in a combination of the past and the future.  Sometimes I feel like I need to, which stems from my control-freakishness towards life, but I really can't keep trying to predict what other people will do.  I really just need to "live in the now" and stop basing decisions I make so much on what may or may not happen in the future.

I guess from a personal perspective waiting was good, I learned a few important things about myself, I was able to identify some weaknesses, as well as a few areas I stress about and need to cut myself some slack on.  I would definitely not wait again, but would I advise other to avoid waiting as well?  Perhaps not, sometimes people need to be knocked back a few notches to avoid becoming apathetic.



The Pratts said...

I hope by saying your blog has "run its course" you don't mean you're ending it now! Come on! We all want to know what happens when Hannah gets home!

Anonymous said...

don't leaveeee!

Madison said...

When you say that it was unsuccessful, what would have been successful? It sounds like you learned a lot about your self and how you interact with others, your process of thinking, and you were also able to weed out unfitting character traits and replace them with new, better ones. That's all very valuable information!
What would have been a successful blogging experience for you?

Waiting On A Sister Missionary said...

@Madison -

I would call my experience waiting for Hannah a "successful failure."

It was a failure in that I didn't really fulfill any of my goals I laid out for myself to achieve while she was gone, but it was successful in that I learned things about myself that would have been difficult to discover without the experience.

From the blogging perspective the blog served its purpose, it kept me from exploding many times through out the last year and a half. The unsuccessful aspect is more referring to, in the end, my failure to "wait" in the manner I really wanted to.

Madison said...

Well, I think you helped more than yourself while writing this blog. I certainly learned a lot, so thank you.

Anonymous said...

"The smart thing to do is to not ever let yourself get too close to anyone who may go on a mission."

I'm not really sure why I want to respond to this, because in many ways you're right. Really, you could say, "the smart thing to do is to never get to close to anyone and never fall in love." It's risky. You open up yourself to potentially get really hurt. And when it works out and you find the "right one" and get married, it's still really REALLY hard.

You fell in love with a girl who wanted to serve a mission. There's nothing wrong with that. There was a lot for you to admire about her. You opened yourself up to her. That's a good thing, even though it means you opened up yourself to get hurt. Maybe even because you opened up yourself to get hurt. Things didn't turn out the way you planned. Welcome to life :)

I'm a big believer that some of the most important things that happen to you in life are things that you can't plan for. Or plan out. You just have to be your best self, and try to be ready for them when they happen, and trust that things will turn out the way they're supposed to.

Waiting On A Sister Missionary said...

@Anonymous -

You're absolutely right. There's no reward without the risk.

However, a risk implies there is a reasonable chance of success, when it comes to waiting for a missionary it is very much hoping to be an exception to the rule.

singlemormonchick said...

it cant be over! we have to hear what happens. come on!!!

Anonymous said...

Hi! Come back! I miss reading your blog. Thank you. :)