Many people I'm acquainted with like to see I have no feelings or emotions. This is obviously untrue, everyone feels emotion, and anyone who reads this blog has read my whining and ranting. I don't like showing a lot of emotion around most people because they've proven a bit of a weakness of mine in the past, so I dull my emotion for the general populace.
I am pretty good at masking my emotion, I hide them well in conversation and I'm really good at conveying only the emotions I want to.
When I'm feeling particularly emotional, and thereby vulnerable, I tend to punish myself. Usually by trying to push myself to that emotional extreme, making whatever I'm dealing with at the time seem small.
Recently, and quite predictably, I've been experiencing a lot of loneliness and issues related to it. I'll admit it freely, I've started to struggle with it a lot. I don't want to say it has made me unhappy, I am content, but I am still aware that I'm not as happy as I could be.
This morning I woke up early, too early, with a lot on my mind, mostly regarding my loneliness. I got a little bummed that I have been feeling like I need to do all of this plotting and scheming to ditch this thing and be fully happy. Honestly I tire of the effort I've been putting in, though I'm sure that's true of any fruitless effort.
Perhaps I've been relying on the wrong things or people to push me beyond my general content, maybe if I stop trying I can just relax and be happy again.