Hannah has made it very clear that she is quite disappointed in me. I have not attended church since she left(just like she predicted).
In my defense, I'm afraid. I moved into this house literally right before Hannah left. All of my roommates go to different meetings. I'm left with either the family ward or the singles ward. Well that's an easy choice. I live in "the most famous singles ward in Salt Lake County!" or so I'm told. I'm afraid first because I know they'll make me speak. Second, because I've never gone to a singles ward more than once. Finally, I'm afraid because I"m not exactly what you'd call a spiritual juggernaut. I didn't serve a mission, not because of drugs, sex, or criminal behavior, but because I didn't feel it was for me. Strike one. My testimony, as far as some would consider, is shaky at best, but it works for me, I really used to struggle with it, but I've found something to hold to. Nevertheless, Strike two. Being down in the count like this I worry of two things. One, I'll be seen as the ward project and people will be trying to fix me, or I'll be the fresh meat, I like to pursue, not be pursued. Or, Two, I'll be the outcast, sit in the back, go, listen, ponder, and leave. The second isn't actually all that bad, but I hope for some middle ground.
I knew this would happen, Hannah was always more spiritual than me, I've known that. She's the type of girl who cries when she bears her testimony; I haven't even gone up to the mic in years. I've always struggled with faith, I'm a rational, logical thinker, it takes all of my courage to leap without looking. Don't get me wrong, I love the church and it's leaders, but it seems like I only have bursts of spirituality surrounded by long periods of a balancing act between science and religion, but I'm working on it.
I've always admired Hannah for her spiritual strength, I mean, she really knows. I know she'll help me, she can always show me the other perspective. She's the Wilson to my House.
Back to the topic, I will really, really, really try to make it to church next week, even if it is unthinkably early.