Austentatious

Somehow, at work, everyone got to talking about what my "issues" are.  I love hearing from different people, I find it intriguing the different observations, judgments, and impressions people get from me.  No one seems to see the same "me" as anyone else.


Surprisingly, though, one of the nurses, in my opinion, had me pretty close to spot on.  That's a pretty rare thing, I don't think anyone has really "got me" that well, though from my observation she and I are pretty similar people.  She's probably like what I would be like if I were female and about 15 years older.  She started asking me pretty deep questions about myself, especially my family and dating life, it was kind of fun.  I'm not the type to openly give personal information unless people ask me very specific questions, in which case I'm pretty open, but otherwise I value my secrets.


The one thing that was the perennial "issue" was my cockiness, my pride.  I'll admit, I lay it on think for most people, probably because it hides the amount of pride that is really behind a facade of ridiculousness.  For one, I'm too proud to feel vulnerable.  I won't do it.  I always hold things back.  A lot of people have friends whom they say "know everything" about them, I can honestly say I don't.  If you took all of my best friends through the years, and all of my former girlfriends, and gather all of the information they had about me you might know everything about me, maybe, but maybe not.  It's kind of like in movies when the president wants to launch some nukes at Russia, he doesn't have the full "launch code" someone else has the other half.  That's kind of how I am.


Another thing is, I don't "lay myself on the line" for anyone.  There's a point where I decide I've gone far enough, I've still got to protect my pride so I'll only go so far to help or make an effort until I need to protect myself again.  In hindsight, Liz dumping me didn't heart because I was heartbroken, my pride was hurt because I lost something I liked because I didn't do what needed to be done.


A lot of people have pointed out this distancing maneuver in reference to Hannah.  I've been asked over and over how I could have dated a girl for a year and a half and be able to pull away so easily.  According to the nurse last night it's because I never let people in.  I "fake it 'til I make it." her words, but probably true.  In many romantic comedies these days the climax usually includes a scene where the stupid guy realizes he's an idiot, runs to the girls apartment to get on his knees, apologize, and plead for her to take him back.  I won't lie, I couldn't see myself ever doing that.  At least not any time in the foreseeable future.  I'd much more likely stay home, brood, live a jilted life for a while, then try again with someone else.


I was a little surprised, there were many comments last night that ended with, "You should probably seek some counseling and get that issue worked out."  It kind of makes me laugh now.  My pride probably is my biggest issue.  Who knows if it's really as big an issue as it was made out to be.  I've always been slow to open up at all in any type of relationship, maybe I just haven't been associated with anyone long enough for them to learn all of my secrets.  Or maybe I am really screwed up and just hide it well.  Or maybe one day the right person will come along and I'll just spill it all, or be willing to become vulnerable.  Likely it won't be as easy as that, as far as I know I've always been this way.


At least I recognize it may be an issue, so at least I'm not crazy... Right?