30 April 2011

I'm stronger/better than this.

I hate to admit it.  I AM better than this.  I'm stronger than this.  This kind of thing doesn't bother me.  I don't NEED anyone.

But still, I'm lonely.  I feel like the I've been sweeping my loneliness under the rug for the last 15 months and now there's this lump I keep tripping on.  I hate it.  I hate that I'm not self-sufficient when it comes to my social/personal life.  My co-worker comforted me a little without even knowing by telling me that humans are the only creatures on the planet who need socialization to survive.  She told me the story I've heard before about how babies can be fed and changed, etc. have all of the necessities of life fulfilled, but without human interaction it would die.

That made me feel better for a few seconds.  I mean, at least I'm not abnormal.  But at the same time I tell myself that I should be better.  I should be stronger.  Nothing gets me down.  Ever.

But it does.  I feel like I'm on this emotional roller-coaster all the time, and I'm trying to hide it from everyone.  Every now and then though, right when I'm at the trough I leak, I start to become needy.  I usually realize it the next day and it makes me sick.  Then it bothers me that this bothers me at all.  In fact I'll probably hate myself tomorrow for writing this post, but maybe getting this out can relieve some of the built up pressure. 

I think the worst is that I know people enjoy my low-maintenance.  They like that I'm easy going.  I don't complain.  I'm independent.  I'm confident.  Then I slip, and I just feel like I've failed.  I'm the untouchable one.  Nothing and no one can effect my personal well being.

On and on it goes in my head.  Am I a victim of my own will to be strong?  Do I need to get a dog?  Do I become a hermit?  Whatever I'm doing now must be wrong.  There has to be a way to be strong but still get what I need.

1 comment:

singlemormonchick said...

no man is an island.
you have to just work through it.
probably a ton of other cliches i could type up here, but i will say that you should not try and sweep it under the rug anymore.
being lonely sucks. as i read your post i could see a lot of myself in your words.