I finally made it to church today after 4 months of inactivity! I have a whole plethora of excuses why I haven't been going, but I'm not going in to that.
From first impressions I think this singles ward is promising.
Pros:
- The people are nice, I actually found a group of guys and girls to sit with after only about 5 minutes, in my home singles ward it's very cliquey and you only sit with people you know.
- They're also very social, in between blocks the volume is at a medium roar from all of the people talking, again another improvement from home.
- They seem to have activities fairly often, we're actually supposed to have some kind of gathering tonight, but I don't remember what time so I probably won't make it.
- Multi-Ward meeting blocks; every meeting block my ward is paired off with one other ward each hour, also once a month all the wards meet together for sacrament meeting.
- Couples; apparently people from the ward hook up.
Cons:
- The biggest one, the Male/Female ratio is about 50/50 compared to the 35/65 back home.
- The schedule is really confusing, the multi-ward groups mean people are moving in and out quickly, so picking your seat is key to meeting people from outside your ward.
- High Average Age; The people I sat with were all at least 4 years older than me, this makes me worry about getting the "Kid Brother Treatment" like I get with my roommates, where they're nice, maybe even caring, but I don't get to hang out with them.
- Couples; What the heck?! Most of the attractive sisters are claimed.
I guess I'll have to stay active for a while and see how it goes. I definitely got my hopes up about how many good-looking ladies I'd be meeting, but I'm still optimistic.
(Disclaimer, if you wish to continue picturing the author of this blog as a tough, suave, perfect picture of manliness, go ahead and skip this entry)
(If you DO decide to read this post you will most likely come to the conclusion that this blog is, in fact, written by a 17 year-old girl masquerading as a 23 year-old man. However, I assure you that I am in fact male, I was born that way, and raised that way, albeit without a strong male influence.)
Liz' wedding announcement came today. It was sitting innocently with the rest of the day's mail when I got home from work, only I knew the depravity within. I took it down to my room, and left it on my desk for an hour and a half trying to forget it was there. Before I knew it, the letter was in my hand, and I was tugging at it's corners, all the while telling myself everything would be fine, she'd look horrible. After all, I've been preparing myself for this for almost 6 months when I first found out they were engaged.
The envelope tore, and I was wrong, on all accounts. I don't think any amount of mental preparation would have shielded me from the rush of emotion once I had that picture in my hand. Even still, it's hard to sift through and figure out exactly which emotion, or combination thereof, I'm feeling at this moment.
I couldn't sleep last night, I've been up for about 28 hours at this point, I feel better than I did last night, but not by much. I guess this is the hardest part of being male, holding it all in on the outside. Ladies have it easy, you call your friends, buy some comfort food, rent a cheesy chick flick and talk it out. I did my best, my buddy and I got out to play some catch, I saw his daughter for the first time, I needed it. Now I'll probably devote the rest of my day to a little video game therapy, "breath in and out all day," and keep my fingers crossed that the singles ward I'm finally going to is cool...
I've decided that one of my dating goals for this period that Hannah is gone is to date a non-member.
I'm not one of those people who shuns non-members. I don't use the who you-date-who-you-marry line to convince myself to avoid non-LDS girls. I've never dated a non-member because... well I just never have?
I don't really know what I hope to gain from this, but it seems like something I should at least think about. Am I the only Mormon who might actually look forward to dating a non-member? Possibly.
How do girls feel about dating non-members? How would you feel about a guy who dated non-members?
It's funny how checking out girls has totally changed for me semi-recently. Whenever I see a new attractive girl around I instantly judge her based on as many observations as I can make without taking too long and being creepy.
Personally, even though it's quickly become a natural progress, it's odd that my eyes go: hair, legs, face, ring-finger. It's funny that no matter how attractive I may think a woman I meet is, I'm almost completely distracted until I can get a glimpse of that certain finger. To be honest, it makes me a little sick to think that, even though I'm only 23, I have to make sure women aren't married before I try to talk to them. It's a little frustrating.
On my high school baseball team everyone had nicknames. Seriously everyone, but they were more than nicknames, the were earned, which made them more like titles. We used these nicknames for each other at all times, many of us still do. It was as close as we got to hazing as well since, if you didn't have a nickname yet, you were an outcast.
In relationships it seems like each person has a go-to pet name for their partner. Some of these I really can't stand, and if I was ever called them I'd have to re-evaluate my feelings. Everyone uses these, even me, though I've always tried to keep mine unique for different girls.
I really dislike "babe" and "baby" which is a problem since they're probably the most common pet names out there. Maybe that's why I don't like them, I find those couples who are always saying "Baby {this}" and "Baby {that}" really annoying. I feel like "sweetie" is something you call children or maybe people who can't help themselves, most likely because the nurses at work call patients that all the time. My best friend calls his wife "Dear," personally I don't think anyone should refer to their significant other as "dear" until they're in their late-60's at least.
I have a unique name for Hannah, but outside of that "Honey" or "Hun" are probably my pet names of choice. Even at that I never use pet names as a replacement for their real name, usually it's used in the initial greeting and that's all. Hannah has a semi-unique name she calls me, it's actually kind of ridiculous too, but I think that it's funny so I like it.
I got the text I always knew was coming, but have refused to accept. Liz needed my address for wedding announcements...
It's funny, we've had a text conversation about every other month or so since we broke up, and never do I feel like more of a complete idiot than the end of those nights. All through our relationship I played indifference about Liz to Hannah, now I'm starting to feel like I should let Hannah in on the truth.
I still don't understand why Liz holds this place for me, maybe it's the fact that she was the first person I really let in. It could also be that she was the first person to dump me, and on top of that I was dumped for something completely avoidable and stupid on my part, and I know it. It's also possible that she represents a point in my life when things were really good. That last part sounds really bad, considering how great things with Hannah went, it was a different time, one I still look back on with a lot of fondness, I think considering most of that time involved Liz she has come to embody the whole thing.
I'll admit, I'm jealous. The worst is I really doubt her marriage will bring me any closure, I feel like she's going to be a thorn in my side for plenty of time to come.
I thought about what I'd say to Brandy for the last day and a half. I wanted to say something to the point, but without sounding confrontational. I finally settled on something, I had it all typed up then saved it to my drafts because I didn't have the guts yet. It sat there for about 15 minutes until I finally just closed my eyes and pressed "Send"
Chris: "Hey you! What happened on Monday?"
Brandy: "huh?"
C: "Weren't we going to the Bee's game? I waited behind homeplate but never saw you"
B: "Oh, i'm so sorry :("
C: "Hey no worries, but you missed a heck of a game!"
B: "I'm so bummed..."
C: "Well it's early in the season still. You'll probably get another chance..."
B: "I hope so. :)"
What do I think of that? Do people really forget about something like that after two days? Granted, that was her first day at a new job, and I guess technically I backed out of our first date almost two years ago at the last minute; I guess we're even. I don't know what my next move is, I'll probably just wait and see.
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In unrelated news I made the "Hate Wall" at Mormon Bachelor Pad. My comment was fueled by memories of Ashley who, like many of my high school buddies, was afflicted with this relationship ADD. Eventually you have to give up the chase and be happy with your catch.
At least I got some good advertising out of it though...
Well the date with Brandy was a flop. She never showed. I still have her ticket in my pocket. This is actually the first time I've ever been stood up by a girl.
Maybe she didn't stand me up though, maybe there was some miscommunication, maybe she didn't realize we were meeting at the field. However, I do live almost jogging distance from the stadium, and I'd have to drive past the stadium and 40 minutes round trip to pick her up. Also I did say, "The game is at 6:30, see you then." There's still some room for error, I guess. But when I texted her from the stadium I never got a response...
To be honest, I'm not really bothered by it. It was just really nice to get out to the ballgame, even if a cold wind kicked up in the 6th, and if the pitching wasn't impressive at all. The best thing was that apparently it was "Family night at the Ballpark" tonight, so both tickets cost less than one normally does. Also I got a big pretzel and a polish dog, can't beat that.
When I got home, however, I got on Facebook and found that one of my friends from school posted a bunch of old photos, many of which included Liz. I still don't understand why, after two years, she still feels like a fresh wound. Every time I think about her it ruins my night.
Well now that I've been whiny I'll have to go to bed watching Die Hard to reaffirm my manliness.
Well Brandy and I are hitting the Bee's game on Monday! I heard the weather is supposed to be great so I went for it. I'm keeping expectations low, Liz always said "If you set your expectations low you'll never be disappointed." Sure, we were referring to movies at the time but I think that can apply to lots of things in life.
Honestly, even though we've hung out before, I realized I'm gonna have to go with the first date inquisition. Really I know nothing about her beyond the fact that she is a Dancer, is outdoorsy, and owns a dog. I'm interested to see what I can find out.
Oh the suspense!
Seriously, the ladies should be lining up at my door.
Liz gets married in a month, you know, the one who got away. She's a continuation of a streak I'm on. Every girl I've dated has been proposed to by the next guy she dated. I'm trying to figure out exactly why this must be. Am I really just always second best, or is there something about our relationship that prepares them for what's next?
I like to think that our relationship was so great, and I'm such an amazing guy that when we break up they feel so deprived that they need some more serious relationship. I picture it something like withdrawals.
Maybe it's my complete lack of motivation to get married at the time that makes them decide they want to get married.
It could also be that their friends make fun of them for dating the same guy for a year but not getting engaged that makes them want it more.
I went over to Hannah's Parents' house today for her Mother's day phone call. It was great to hear her voice again, but it scares me a little how different it sounds. I don't think it's different because it's change, more so that I'm just forgetting how it sounded in the first place.
In real-life I'm not really a phone talker, as I mention I could go through a couple thousand text messages in a day, but talk? Hmm... Not so much. Today, however, I had probably one of the longest phone conversations since middle school, you know the phone calls I'm talking about... TeeHee. Even so, this phone call was painfully short. The thing you take for granted in a real-time conversation is it it evolves over time. In a letter everything is so structured Greeting, Response, Inquery, Farewell. In real-time you can jump from one subject to the next and who knows where it will go.
I had almost forgotten how easy it was to talk to Hannah, but really that's huge dating criteria. It's also probably the reason things with Brandy will eventually go no where. I hate searching for something to say that a girl may have a response to, with Hannah I could say just about anything and a conversation, many times a deep one, will spout. Seriously, anything from "I think Humans were the genetic experiment of an alien race" to, "Iron Man(I'm totally PSYCHED to see the new movie tomorrow) would kick Batman's Trash." to "I think that human cloning and other genetic engineering is completely acceptable." Even if she has no idea what I'm talking about she could find a way to make a conversation out of it. That's pretty much how the phone call went, I have all of these things I want to talk to her about, I value what she thinks about things greatly, so after we got through the, hey-how-are-yous we dropped into a 25 minute long discussion where we jumped through about 15 subjects.
Unfortunately, Hannah's family has the late church so I was strapped for time, it sucks when a good discussion has to end abruptly. Well, there's always Christmas...
I have a really close girl friend that's getting married in a month or so. I know I've said men and women can't be friends because the snookie gets in the way. Well this story is no different. Donna and I met back in high school, when one of my baseball buddies brought her to a dance. They were old family friends, they went way back, I remember at our activity how cool she seemed. A month or so later she started dating another one of my baseball buddies(yeah, that's how we roll). They dated for a few months and then my buddy cheated on her(yeah he's one of my more douchey friends) and they broke up. During the time they dated, though, a few of us really got to know and like Donna, so she'd come to our games to support us, and from time to time a few of us would get together.
Over time I developed a pretty huge crush on Donna, but this was during the time I was dating Ashley, who absolutely hated Donna, even before this crush developed. Ashley probably hated Donna so much because they were both girls; Donna was super cool, laid-back, and attractive; Ashley was crazy, paranoid, possessive, and a lying cheater, so the hatred was automatic.
Years passed, I still got together with Donna from time to time, we were good supportive friends. I was usually the guy that got a call when she got dumped. Really my crush on Donna only built during this time. I found myself getting jealous every time she got into a relationship, and angry every time one ended. Of course I don't think she saw any of this.
Finally, one night in the dorms I was feeling especially bold, I finally told her how I felt. Her response? "I've known for a while, but I think we're better off just as friends, I don't want to risk it." Well that's a pretty big blow to the male ego. I didn't talk to Donna for probably about a month after that, I was very confused and a little bit hurt. It's hard, especially with someone you're close with to stick yourself out there like that and get rejected. After a lot of self reflection I realized the whole situation came down to one decision: What was more important my Pride or my relationship with Donna. Once I thought about it that way I felt pretty stupid.
So that's how men and women can be friends, eventually someone wants it to be more, and you either get past it or your friendship ends. Luckily I didn't have that long to sulk because about two months later I started dating Liz.
Anyway, So Donna is getting married in a month or so. The other night we were talking, I asked about their plans(I always have to know people's "plan"). She said they're just going to enjoy the married life for a few years before they start to think about kids, which I completely support. But I'm a pretty good judge of character, and I get these feelings, or hunches, about people. Surprisingly, they're usually right. I told Donna that I think they'll have a kid within 14 months of marriage which she denied. So I told her that if it happens she has to name her first-born after me. My name is pretty unique, so if I can get her to agree it will be really obvious, plus I've always wanted someone to name their child after me, I think that's the greatest honor. She's resisting, but I'm going to keep pestering her about it.
Life is great when I can get in to a rhythm. The last two weeks have really flown past, even with finals this week which I dominated. One of my co-workers whom I also have a class with informed me that she hated me the other day, because I can do well at school without making an effort. I do make an effort, I know my learning style and I own it. I feel bad for people that struggle, I try to help, but I can only do so much since I swore off cheating for people once I started college.
Work is going pretty well. I think they really favor us younger kids, everyone makes me feel awesome. I have a co-worker from Bhutan, he's pretty cool. We talked for a while once on a slow night, and ever since I knew where his home country was located we became quick friends. He's here through a UN refugee program, and has been in the country about a year. I'm impressed with how well I can understand him, he's very humble about his English skills but I can understand him better than people I know who've been in this country for much longer. Now, most lunch breaks he quizzes me on words or phrases he doesn't understand. Through this I've learned that English is a ridiculous language. We have way too many words that have multiple and different meanings. Like yesterday one of his words was "Gotcha." How do you define that term? He understood that it meant "I've got you" but he wanted to know how it's used. Context is insanely important, after about five minutes I finally figured out that the context he was looking for was "I understand." I actually really enjoy talking to him, it puts a good perspective on life. He always tells me how "everyone knows the US is best." That's a fact I tend to forget a lot lately.
Really the only thing missing right now is the warm weather! I mean, high of 54 yesterday? I want to get outside! I'm a wuss when it comes to the cold! Sure when other people are around I pull the tough guy routine, "What? It's 40 degrees? Feels warmer than that!" But I'll avoid going out into the cold anyway I can. I want to get out and run in the heat, work up a sweat, get a tan! I really need to get out and play catch, I'm practically experiencing withdrawals. With all my buddies being married now, and with many of them new parents or currently expecting, I need a catch buddy. Maybe I'll get lucky and find one of those rare attractive softball players that will go out with me. I decided yesterday at work that I really need to go to Lagoon this summer! Now just to wait for Mother Nature to come through, and start popping out 70's.
Last night actually turned out pretty well. Of course I can't dance, I wasn't born with that bone, and usually when I can't do something I avoid it. Sure, I love learning new things, I try to teach myself a few new things every year, this stems all the way back to when I taught myself how to read.
Here in SLC, Country dancing is a huge Mormon thing, I mean there's a "Dry Club" here that does it two out of six nights a week. I usually laugh at people that go, mostly because while I was young my mom was really in to the whole country thing. We went to rodeos, I had sweet, little-kid, snakeskin boots, and a cowboy hat, I still remember a lot of country songs from that era because that's all we listened to. Now, I don't really feel that stuff, so I was a little out of my element, wait, completely out of my element.
Brandy is a dancer, so this was her domain. She was pretty well known too, guys were coming up probably every other song to dance with her. There was this group of about 12 guys who new all the dances and were actually pretty skilled. I realized the genius of these guys. Girls are total suckers for this country dancing stuff, and being the "people-watcher" I am I realized that 70% of the girls on that floor came alone and were watching, waiting for one of this group of guys to ask them to dance. Well I got a few dances in, mostly line dances, I did go to a few stake dances in my day. Also I got Brandy to teach me a few moves. I learned that if I was ever going to dance, country dancing is my ticket, really it's like eight moves that you do over and over in whatever combination you want, even someone like me could manage to figure that out.
Like I said, it was an enjoyable night, I'm still laughing about the girl who was about 4'8 who asked me to dance, seriously, this girl probably came up to the bottom of my sternum.
All-in-all it was good, I wouldn't be against going again!
I am feeling a little vengeful though, maybe I should take Brandy to the batting cages or something to even the score.
After spending most of the day hating myself for the inaction of yesterday, something unexpected happened. I got a text from Brandy asking if I wanted to join her for an activity. I was very surprised, Brandy and I aren't exactly the closest, in fact, this will probably be the 3rd or 4th time in the six years I've known her that we've actually hung out.
Well even though I know this activity will make me uncomfortable because I'm horrible at it, I'm looking forward to getting out there.
Of course, I could be totally mistaken, this could just be a giant gathering of people, maybe I even got a mass text invitation. I guess I'll see soon enough.
Today at work my biggest weakness was once again made painfully obvious. Shyness.
When it comes to girls I find attractive I am all but incapable of starting a dialog. I smile, wave, say hi, but that's where communication ends. All the while, I just keep thinking, "there she is, say something!" or "There she is again, say something this time!" But alas, I can not. This holds especially true when I'm in a position where, if I don't say anything, I'll never see them again; or in a situation where a conversation would not normally begin naturally(like work...).
Today at work there were nursing students/future CNAs getting clinical evaluations. Sure many of them were attractive, I mean they're obviously all driven ambitious girls which automatically grants them serious points. On top of that most nurses with longer hair wear it in a ponytail on the floor. But there was this one that really stuck out. Most guys wouldn't have pegged her as the "Hot One" of the group, but she was seriously very attractive to me and not only by physical appearances. There's just a way that certain girls carry themselves, how they walk or talk, how they treat the people around them, that sets them apart, and she was one of those girls.
Unfortunately, even though I saw her several times through out the day, there was never really an opportunity to talk. Before I knew it she had left. I really just kept second guessing myself, I kept coming up with a scheme, then thinking, "How would I react if I was on the other end?" Most of the time the answer was "laugh" or "feel really uncomfortable, then giggle as I walk away." Seriously, the best I could come up with was, "Hey, I think you're attractive, I don't know if I'll ever see you again, here's my number./can I have your number?"
I dunno, that just seems incredibly forward, I don't know how I'd look at a person that said that to me. In the end I walked away feeling like an entire branch of my "Tree of Fate" was lopped off.
All the while I feel guilty because Hannah has only been gone 2.5 months. Even though we knew I'd date, and she even told me to, I feel bad that this girl, whose name I don't even know, got my heart pumping.
I make this solemn vow, that I will find my way to the meet market tomorrow, somehow.
I know that by going to a singles ward, especially one of the larger, more well know ones in the valley, while waiting for Hannah is like going into the belly of the beast, but I'm not afraid. I have some weapons on my side.
First, I'm painfully shy. Before I ever initiate a conversation with a female I spend my fair share of time trying to scout things out, judging the personality and what-not. I don't feel awkward very often, nearly every time I do it's because mid-conversation I realize I have nothing in common with this person and see that the interaction is slowly headed towards a fiery crash. It always reminds me of those lame texters where the conversation goes like this: You: "So are you excited to be back home?" Them: "Yeah :)" Conversation killed. All the while, I think it's important to be able to savor the silences, I always feel like people who can't stand the silence are hiding something.
Then, I'm actually pretty picky, and let's be honest with each other, physical attractiveness is 100% of the first impression. Sure it's not the only thing, once the mouth opens the stock could rise or fall considerably. But in the fraction of a second you first make eye contact will all know judgments have been made. First up, I've decided, as I've mentioned before, really anyone under about 5'6" is out. More than a nine inch height difference is just too much, I don't feel like having to wear a neck brace later in life from all that bending down to kiss you. Not only that, you're not a child, I don't like having to look down on you, I get uncomfortable. I'd say, ideally, 5'8 to 5'10 is just right, any taller and I feel like I'm taking away your opportunity to wear heels.
After height, I've found my number two judgment is on the hair. I'm not really sure why, maybe it's because it's the only facial feature you can see from any direction. Hairstyles definitely vary by the person, I do tend to lean towards longer, straight hairstyles, but I will say that there's something about a girl who can pull off a ponytail. I know, girls always go to the 'tail at the gym, at work, on a bad hair day. It's like the go-to "blah" hairstyle for girls, but I find it very attractive.
I know for girls weight is an important issue, it's like the 3-digit number from hell(I hope it's 3-digits if you're taller than, like, 5'2"). But I'll let you in on a little secret, guys don't put any stock in the number on the scale. Why do you think we're always flexing in the mirror? Hannah, for instance, is a lurp, long arms, long legs, long torso. Personally I find that adorable. Hmmm... Legs, add that to my number one most attractive trait...
Another thing is make-up, the less the better. The more different you look without it the less I'm interested, unless it's tattooed to your face you'll spend more time without than with. Hannah used to pull the whole "cat eyes" thing back in high school, not a big fan. I say, if I can tell you're wearing make up it's probably too much, I'm not a big fan of eye-liner, eye shadow, or lipstick.
As far as non-physical features, I have to say, I tend to be attracted to the girls who flew under the radar in high school. The best type of girls are the ugly ducklings, The girls who had more on their minds in high school than boys and looking cute. That's how I'd hope to raise any future daughters I may have. I'm all about intelligence. I love to argue current events, lot's of times I'll play devil's advocate just to instigate. I mean, who hasn't walked away from an debate over a big topic, religion, ethics, government, and finished with their heart pumping with all the excitement? I like a good mental challenge. I also like an open-mind. Nothing is a larger turn off for me than someone with the My-way-or-the-highway, with-me-or-against-me mindset. I feel there is merit in any opinion, and sometimes you can use another's differing opinion to streamline your own. You can't do that if you're not listening.
Now I know a lot of debate is always stirred up with this topic, so I'll try to be clear. I'm not down with the girls who are just floating 'til marriage. I don't plan to have kids right after I get married, I plan to get my marriage down pack before I add in a variable like that. What would a woman do during those years before children? I like a girl with passion and ambition. Sure, being a mother is the most important job a woman can have, but I would want my wife to be more than a person fabrication machine. Plus I think there are real world experiences in college or in a career that can be priceless to pass on to your children.
Finally, my type is not Molly Mormon. There's nothing wrong with those girls at all, in fact, I respect them. However, I'm also intimidated by them. I think we all know people who are these spiritual giants, some people are attracted to that, others aren't. It's not to say spirituality is a turn off for me, it's a necessity. But from past experience I think I'm just not the type who works well with that type. I'm too skeptical, too malleable for a relationship to be successful. Here it's important to just agree to disagree sometimes. Hannah has decided she's not going to watch rated-R movies. I honor that, I would never ask her to change, even if it does frustrate me sometimes. I just watch them on my own.
All in all, I know you're never going to find your "dream companion." A good wife/husband isn't the person who meets all of your preferences, they're the one whose faults you can most easily live with. Really, I should list faults in order of worst to least.
I've allowed this to drag on far too long, but I hope it was comprehensive. Now to bed, church is in the morning.
