That Awkward Moment When...

Your ex-girlfriend who you wrote a secret blog about for a year and a half texting you out of the blue to inform you that it's no longer a secret.  Oops.  Well, not really oops.


Seriously though, over the weekend I get a text from Hannah saying:

"Hey, I know about your blog.  Please don't write about me anymore."


Umm, ok?  This is a pretty good example of where my brain goes in two opposite directions at the same time.  First, I went through all of the douche responses, you know, denying being the author, but then I remembered that one personal goal of this blog was to see how obvious I could make it that its me without anyone finding out.  Second I wanted to be a smart-ass and say, "I don't know what you're talking about, I write a fictional blog about people named Hannah and Chris.  I mean obviously it's fiction, what kind of horrible parent names their kid Smartypants?"  Third I thought about being a jerk and saying something like, "I guess you forgot while you were gone that 'I do what I want'?"


Finally, I decided that her request was pointless, let's all face it, this is the most I've talked about Hannah in two months or so, and it's still not even really about her, thus no response was given, what would I say to that anyway?  There's really no reason for me to write about her since the "Deletion", her character in this blog has become like that of Liz, someone to reference back to.  I'm not really sure why she's all that bothered by it.  I feel like 95% of this blog was me paying her compliments, followed by three months of frustration.


Anyway, Birthday weekend was pretty cool, Mirage had "Meet the Family, Part 2" on Sunday, which went much better than Part 1.  I remedied all of the problems from the first try and I think it went well.  Saturday was pretty much my birthday celebration, and it was great.  

The day started with Quidditch practice, which was interesting, because there is some  about being different and non-conformist in Utah it's really hard to get people to come and play with us.  Seriously, our on-campus fundraiser before the world cup brought at least 100 people to us, we asked them all to come to a just-for-fun practice/scrimmage/tryout the following Saturday morning and guess how many new people showed up.  Zero.  Anyway, counting Mirage there were only seven of us, which means we had to get creative.  Getting creative meant playing 3-on-3 where anyone could play any position at anytime, plus a snitch, it got really confusing, fast.


After Quidditch I went home and took a nap, I've probably gotten a little out of shape in the month since the World Cup.  Then I woke up and headed to Dinner with some friends, three of the Crimson Fliers, Mirage, Smartypants, and Bucky.  We hit up California Pizza Kitchen in the Gateway.  The original plan was Tucanos, but there was a THREE HOUR WAIT!  It's all good though, I'm going to Tucanos with the family to celebrate the combined birthdays of Littlesister and me.


Finals have been this week.  Pretty much I've been a little stressed.  At the University of Utah it's policy that Final Exams/Essays be worth a minimum of 30% of your total grade.  As a result, yesterday I had a Final worth 50% of my grade and another worth 35%.  I did get my big paper worth 25% back and I got an 88%.  I'm really happy about it not only was my 88% well above the class-average, but the professor said it was well-written and he enjoyed it.  He marked me down because he said I did a good job giving my opinions but I wrote the reasons for my opinions more like causation theories than personal fact.  What can I say?  I'm a scientist, it's hard for me to write anything as indisputable fact, even if its about me.


I feel really confident about my first final, the one worth 50%, so I'm not worried about that, however I feel alright about my other one, which is how I felt on the mid-term when I got a 'C'.  For a required American Politics class the professor's exams' difficulty varies greatly from question to question.  You go from, "To what do the terms 'Red States' and 'Blue States' refer."  To, "In the US Supreme Court which justices are considered Conservative?  Liberal? Which justice is considered to be the current 'swing vote'?"  I'm mean, come on, the university is forcing us to take this class and before the final the average grade was 74%,  ONLY ONE PERSON GOT AN 'A' ON THE MIDTERM and it was worth 25% of our grade!


Anyway, I'm already looking forward to next semester, I'm ready to move on and NOT have two math classes.  Over the break I'll be working and trying to see Mirage as often as I can.  Luckily she's not going home over the break so she'll be 45 minutes away rather than an hour and 45 minutes away.  Unfortunately she'll be working a lot over the break so I'll have to use some problem solving to work it out most efficiently.


Well, anyway, I've got half a cheesecake that won't eat itself!

My Work Rant and The Final Judgement

I know most people want to hear all about how things are going with Mirage, but after last night at work I feel like I need to get some junk out there.


Working in health care you deal with a lot of crap, figuratively and literally.  It gets really frustrating at times, and the only pay off is that every now and then it's really rewarding.  I'd like to mention a few things that makes my day, and your day, at the hospital more pleasant.

1. First and foremost, I know caregivers are supposed to be above everything and saintly and stuff, but in reality we're only human.  There's a natural golden rule of health care, if you want good care, be a good patient.  You could have the Mother Theresa of caregivers and if you're a jerk they will spend only the time that is absolutely necessary with you.  If you become a "favorite" you get special perks.  Example: I have three call-lights going off at the same time, you are a favorite, one is a jerk, and one is an average patient.  Whose room do you think I'm going to enter first?  It's not that you'll get sub-par health care if you treat the care staff like your personal slaves, but I'll be looking to get out of your room as soon as possible.
2. Realize you're not my only patient.  Health care is expensive, and to save money the hospital does annual studies to decide just the right number of patients assigned to each caregiver so that they can pay as few people to do as much work as possible, but not so much that you risk costly malpractice mistakes.  I generally have 7-8 patients a night, I can't always answer your call within six seconds.
3. I know your family member is important to you, but back the {insert expletive of choice here} off.  Seriously, we're doing all we can and you hovering over our shoulder, getting in our way and reminding us of what we are already well aware of every 30 seconds only slows us down, and that means more time before we can help said loved one.  We're all trained well, even the most menial member of the care team had to get certified on a state or national level, let us do our thing.
4. Did I mention how much you want to be a "favorite"?  People talk, especially at the hospital, if you're a jerk, that gets passed on to the next shift, same with being a favorite.  What does it take to be a favorite?  Treat us like people, not like someone whose job it is to take care of you.  Do that and I spend more time in your room, even if it's just talking about how you walked uphill both ways to get to school, or how when you were a kid there was a dairy farm down the street and now there's a shopping mall.  Say please and thank you.  We're not afraid to tell all of our co-workers how horrible you are and how you're a nightmare to work with.  Also, we won't hesitate to tell everyone how great, nice and awesome you are.  And trust me, either of the previous reports will be perpetuated from shift to shift.
5. Try to realize that, in a hospital, the people you see most are more or less middle-men.  You want a different/new treatment? We've gotta ask your Doctor to order it.  You want some more pain medication? We've gotta ask your Doctor to order it.  We can only do what we're told we can do, if you want something else we have to get it cleared by an MD.  This means, A) It's going to take time, because the Doctor has many patients on multiple floors that they're covering at once. B) There's no guarantee the Doc is going to do what you want. and C) If the Doctor DOES order it, we'll do it, we're not going to ask a doctor, whose bothered we're asking them anyway, if we can do something and then not do it.
6. Want to be a super-double favorite, which means pretty much getting everything you want(and that I am legally allowed to do for you) with a smile?  We take pride in our work, the one thing that makes me feel the best is to hear that a patient requested me back.  Even if you were a pain the last shift, if you request me, you are immediately no longer considered a pain.  Like most people, we like to hear we did a good job, and nothing tells us that like being asked to help you again.

Ok, I feel better, good thing this is an anonymous blog or I'd feel like a douche.  

So my birthday is in less than a week.  It's pretty intense, I'm getting old, I'm often reminded that starting on my birthday I have one year to get married before I become a menace to society.  But, whatever, I do what I want.  I honestly think the coolest thing about this birthday is that my relationship with Mirage is still so new that she will be meeting all of my friends for the first time... at the same time.


Now, since I have a much more business-like relationship with my family, my friends become like my family, thus their opinions matter greatly to me.  I'll be very interested to hear what they think about Mirage.


Also, funny story.   Mirage and I met each-other's respective parents this last weekend.  Usually this is way to early for me to introduce a girl to the family, especially when I don't live at home.  (I think back to Liz, whom I dated for seven months before she met my parents.)  But her parents wanted to meet me, so I returned the favor.  It was really funny because I brought Mirage to family dinner, and when I talked to my mom about it I simply asked, "Is it okay if I bring someone to dinner on Sunday?"  When we showed up Littlesister and Mother both gave the exact same look, excitement to surprise to confusion to inquisitiveness.  I was confused for a couple seconds, then I realized, they were expecting Hannah.  That's right, I hadn't told my family about Hannah's deletion from my life, or the discovery of Mirage yet.


Oops.  Oh well, Mother always accused me of liking my secrets too much.


So... Who does Mirage have to impress this weekend?  Well, hopefully everyone, but top two I'd have to say Smartypants and Eric, I consider them my closest friends, and come to think of it, They are like my Yin and Yang.  Smartypants could represent my more sophisticated, refined, and intelligent half, while Eric could represent my more wild, reckless, typical guy half.  It should be an interesting night.

Thankfulness

It's that time of year where everyone talks about what they're thankful for.  Pretty much everyone always leaves something or someone out.  I didn't want to leave anything out, so I thought about it for a long time and figured out one thing I'm faithful for that covers everything.


I am thankful for Karmic Fate.


Over two years ago, when Hannah was first talking about going on a mission I didn't want her to go.  Our relationship was my best one yet, honestly it was to the point where you start to have thoughts like, "What if we got married..." and things like that.  However, when we talked about it, I felt like it was the right thing for her to do, everything about it just made sense.  So I supported her, not because it was necessarily what I wanted, but because I knew it to be right.


Well Hannah left, time passed, then about the beginning of February I started to get letters that indicated things between us weren't going well.  I became angry.  I guess I felt like, I'm doing what I'm supposed to do, what was right, and it doesn't matter, things still go poorly.  I guess I felt betrayed by the system.


Then Hannah got home, things were worse, and I felt even more angry and betrayed.  Here I had done what I felt was right and doing what was right had become more of a sacrifice than I was willing to give.  It didn't seem fair.


Then suddenly, and inexplicably, just when I was approaching that cliff, everything turned around.  Almost immediately after realizing things weren't getting better now that Hannah was home I was given quidditch.  I mean what are the odds that the captain of the quidditch team would end up on my IM flag football team?


Then right before Hannah drops off the face of the planet I meet Mirage, someone who I was honestly more intrigued by than Hannah at the time.  So much so, that part of my brain is tellin the other half that I should be freaking out over a girl I dated for a year and a half just discarding me like an old newspaper, and the other is saying, "whatevs."  It's  just all coincidental timing, and I don't believe in coincidences.


These were just the latest incidences.  I could also point out the perfect timing that came with meeting Smartypants.  After a year of waiting, when I really needed someone I could just talk to, or argue with.  I now consider Smartypants one of my closest friends.


Then there was Bangs McCoy, whom I met on the home stretch, when I really just needed someone to be with.  Bangs has moved now, and we don't talk as much as I'd like, but she was right there for me and invited me over every night when I just needed someone to be around.


Yes, I've been lucky over the last year, I must admit.  I know that I don't talk about spiritual matters much here, but it's truly been a testimony building experience.  That by doing what is right, what you're supposed to do, won't be forsaken.  There's a poem I like to think about whenever I hit a rough patch, many people may have heard it, but I use it to remind me that help is always there for you when you need it:

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed 

he was walking along the beach with the Lord.

Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.

For each scene he noticed two sets of

footprints in the sand: one belonging

to him, and the other to the Lord.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him,

he looked back at the footprints in the sand.

He noticed that many times along the path of

his life there was only one set of footprints.

He also noticed that it happened at the very

lowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he

questioned the Lord about it:

"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow

you, you'd walk with me all the way.

But I have noticed that during the most

troublesome times in my life,

there is only one set of footprints.

I don't understand why when

I needed you most you would leave me."

The Lord replied:

"My son, my precious child,

I love you and I would never leave you.

During your times of trial and suffering,

when you see only one set of footprints,

it was then that I carried you."

"Just Deleted" and "The Odyssey for the Cup"

Oh man, what a WEEK!


Let's start this epic dual-post from last Thursday:


Thursday night the Quidditch team and I had our red-eye flight to New York.  Before that I had some free time between class and when I needed to meet at the airport.  Mirage and I have been getting pretty close over the last few weeks since Date One, and she came over right after class and then took me to the airport. 


I'm a fan of the red-eye, I sleep really well in vehicles of all kinds, so I pretty much slept the whole time.  Once we landed things got a little hectic, for various reasons it took us 3.5 hours to get from the airport to our hotel.  It mostly sucked since I was carrying a 45lb. box of tent poles that whole trip.




The World Cup started bright and early Saturday morning.  After taking part in the Opening ceremonies we had to wait about 3 hours for our first pool match against #2 ranked Kansas.  We all came out a little cold and it showed, easily our sloppiest game, but we kept it close, we lost by 10 on a snitch catch that came a split second too late.  We swept the rest of our pool, including a 120-30 win over Hofstra, who somehow beat Kansas, which created a three-way tie in our pool for first place.


Kansas ended up being the top team out of our pool since the scored more points against Vermont than we did, and then our bad luck struck.  Texas A&M had a fluke loss in their pool which dropped them to a #15 seed, while we came out with a #18 seed.  Yup, a standard 32 team bracket pits #15 against #18 in the first round, and thus we faced the only team I was afraid of right of that bat.  We played our guts out, I may or may not have earned a mild concussion while stopping an A&M drive to the hoops, but alas, it wasn't enough.  Personally I feel no shame losing to A&M, they were amazing, easily the best team at the World Cup, and they even told us we were the toughest game they had played to that point afterwards, what a class act.


It was good to play some of the best teams out there, I feel like we became aware of our weaknesses and we know what we need to work on for next year.


Hannah is officially deleted from my Facebook.  I actually forgot to do it before I left because I was with Mirage, and didn't remember until Monday morning.  How did I feel about it?  Not that bad actually, and, little anecdote here, Hannah texted me out of the blue about 20 minutes after I cancelled our facebook friendship.  I guess that gives me the high ground, so I felt even better about it.  Side Note: I did notice right before she was deleted that she went Facebook official with the aforementioned Broseph.  I wish them luck.  No, that wasn't a snide comment, I'm serious, I hope she's happy.  Ok, it was actually a little snide, but also had some serious aspects mixed in.


Let me Tarantino this post now.  Let's go back to Thursday afternoon with Mirage.  Mirage came over right after class so we could spend some time together before I left for the WC.  We got lunch and watched Rudy, I have this pre-sport-road-trip ritual of watching an inspirational sports movie before I leave.  Rudy is one of my favorites.  After the movie we flirted a little bit, kissed, and talked abou...WAIT OMIGOSH WHAT!?


Yes, I've set a new land-speed record for myself, three weeks from first date to first kiss.  That's ridiculous by personal standards, and I don't really know what to say about it.  I feel like Mirage and I have known each other for a lot longer than a month.  We have the exact same core interests, while also having our own unique fringe interests to keep things interesting.  We make the same dorky movie references at the same moments.  She's smart, but not the whole I'm-superior-to-you-all type of smart.


The one weird thing about "moving so quick" (haha I know by Mormon standards people have been engaged in less time than this...) is that, although she seems so familiar, I've never known so little about someone I've kissed.  I guess I'm going to have to pull out the big guns and ask the serious questions the next time we're together.


Now to less happy news.  Can I vent about trigonometry for a little bit?  I've mentioned how hard on myself I am.  I expect a lot from myself, so it hurts me to be bombing a class that I'm actually trying at.  I have learned a few lessons from this experience: 1) Don't take more than one math class in a semester, it's way too much homework when you're working full-time. 2) Next time you find out you're taking a class from a first time professor, drop it like it's hot.


I've always been at the top of my classes, and most people think it's because I'm a genius, and I usually go along with that theory, but the truth is I just pick things up quickly.  The problem with that is, you have to understand something before you can pick it up.  In the case with trigonometry I'm just not understanding anything, it took me until now to make my big breakthrough, and it just came too late.  Let's just say to pull a solid C I'll have to ace the rest of the homework, get at least an A- on the exam today, and no less than a solid A on the final, which realistically won't happen.  One of the most frustrating things is that I know that when I take it again next semester I will completely pwn it.  I really wish I had thought about withdrawing before the deadline had passed, like all of the "smartest" people in that class, which is about 1/3 the size it was after the first week or two.


Back to good news, I'll get to spend some time with Mirage this weekend!


A little more bad news, I'm pretty sure I messed up my nose in the match against Kansas.  Something in my nose crackles when I itch it, in the area of the cartilage.  It's probably nothing. 

Mirage

I met this new girl, Mirage, a little while ago.  Actually we went on a second date Friday night.  Dinner and Laser Tag, then my place for a movie.  I think for some girls, laser-tagging isn't super-appealing, but c'mon, Mirage talking about how she found some places to "snipe people"?  That's a win.

It's odd for me how quickly I started feeling comfortable around Mirage.  I think one of the reasons for this is that Mirage and I are VERY similar.  I've always said that I am probably looking for a girl that is most like a female version of myself.  Mirage is pretty close.  The more we talk, the more she says things that make me say to myself, "Hey, I've said/thought that exact thing!"  Mirage and I can talk for hours, pretty much about anything, I love it, though I'm always paranoid that I'm so excited about talking that I do too much of it and exhaust too many topics.


One thing I've thought about is how, comparatively, I've moved at break-neck speed with Mirage.  I mean a hug after the first date?  Cuddling during a movie on the second?  I don't even know who I am anymore!  No, but seriously, it's not a bad thing, I've already stated my point here previously that I'm trying to move past my whole, let's-date-a-month-before-we-touch-and-three-months-before-we-kiss thing.  It's kind of lame, so maybe I've finally moved beyond that.

Mirage is tall, at 5'10" she's at the top of my ideal height range, of which I am a huge fan.  She does have dark hair and eyes, not my usual thing, but nice.  She wore a ponytail on date #2, have I mentioned how much I like those?  That was a big move.  I think the biggest thing about Mirage that I'm attracted to is that her interests and activity types are balanced, like me.  Mirage is probably one of the biggest female nerds I've ever met in real life, seriously, it's awesome.  Mirage is also outdoorsy and athletic, which is always nearly impossible to find combined with extreme nerdiness.  She's a college football fan!  And it was confirmed!  We watched some and she knew exactly what was happening.  Big Points.  She's also more of a touchy-feely, affectionate person, which I always like, because it's a thing in a relationship I tend to automatically reflect back, and I enjoy it.  In fact, maybe it's still my semi-jilted, post-Hannah self talking, but it's early enough that I sometimes feel Mirage is too good to be true.

Of course I wouldn't be true to myself if I didn't pick out the Cons about Mirage.  First, Distance, seriously, when was the last time I dated a girl who lived closer than 30mins away a majority of the year?  Oh yeah, high school... Second, Mirage kinda stresses about dating sometimes.  Not terribly, but sometimes she says things that I don't really know how to respond to.  To be honest, it's not that bad, it's probably what I would do too if I wasn't so secretive about my thoughts and feelings.  But when it comes to dating, I'm just about fun, there's no need to stress, especially after one goes on the fabled second date.  That's really all I can come up with, and distance I have experience dealing with, and I'm gonna predict that the whole stress level declines now that the second date is out of the way.


I head to New York City and the Quidditch World Cup this week!!!  So I don't know for sure when I'll see Mirage and go on Date 3, but I hope it's sooner rather than later.

Just Delete

I had a good conversation with Smartypants earlier this week that really got me thinking.  One part of the conversation was about what I'm going to do about Hannah now.  Smartypants' recommendation was "delete from life."


At first I was reluctant to even consider it.  See, I hold on to things, I think it's a form of self-punishment.  The thing I hate about myself most is that I hold myself to these unattainable standards, then I'm incredibly hard on myself when I fail.  Usually when I fail big-time I spend years telling myself what I should have done, how I should have done better, but didn't.


I don't admit this easily, but since Hannah has gotten home I've been struggling, much more than anyone can see.  I walk around wearing this mask of arrogance and self assurance in order to hide the fact that I feel any sadness or depression.  The reality is I've been severely depressed for over three months now, every aspect of my life has seen a decline in quality, I struggle to focus at work, I'm falling behind at school, I'm forgetful, I can't sleep when it's time for bed and when I need to be productive all I can do is think about sleeping.


What makes it worse is that I recognize all of these things and I still can't pull myself out of it.  Which makes me hate myself, because I should be able to solve this problem.


During the conversation about deleting Hannah from my life I couldn't help but think about the film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind the movie was hard to follow at times, and trying to do Trig homework while watching didn't help, but it made me think about the concept brought up in the movie.  What if you could delete all of your memories of one person or event in your life?  Would you really want them gone?  Would you be better off without them?  Or would you just end up repeating all of the same mistakes?


I'm taking Smartypants' advice.  I'm starting to delete Hannah from my life in the ways that are realistically possible, Facebook.  I meticulously had to "untag" each picture of us together, and deleted each picture that I had posted of her or anything we did together.  It was amusing as I did this little walk down memory lane, how much of a parallel to the movie this was.  In the movie, the main character Joel is asked to go back through all of his memories of his former girlfriend, so they can locate them and target them for deletion.


While I was at it I deleted all of our peripheral mutual friends.  The final step, deleting Hannah herself as a friend, I've decided to put off until next week.  The way I see it, if I do it right before I leave for New York, I'll be so focused and excited that I won't have time to think about it.


I believe everything happens for a reason.  As hard and as emotional as the last 21 months have been, and the rut they've seemingly put me in, I've also, during the same time, been given the tools to pull out of this rut.  I've discovered new relationships that would have never existed without this period, Smartypants being the best example.


Right now I can see that I'm in a position to pull out of this hard time, I've built some momentum over the last month, now it's time to see if it's enough to propel me over the summit.

Bipolarity

I've totally been feeling bipolar the last week or two.


My range of emotion has been capable of jumping from anger and sulking sadness to happiness and near-euphoric excitement from second to second at times.


Honestly, I'm not surprised.  I have a lot to be angry and sad about, as well as a lot to be happy and excited about right now.


Hannah posting pictures of her and this new dude on facebook: ...awesome...

Eleven days until I leave for New York:  !!!AWESOME!!!


Getting the class average on an exam: epic fail

Date on Friday:  WINNING!


I'm pretty much conditioning myself when it comes to Hannah, Pavlov style.  Thought about Hannah slips in?  I think about Quidditch, maybe some Zoolander, Monty Python, or Dr. Horrible Quotes.


Avoiding/Repressing your emotions.  Who, me?  Never.

"The Chick Magnet" and "Old Habits Die Hard"

Today we were fundraising on campus, which was really fun, cold, and successful.  We ended up making about three times as much as I thought we would.  I also think I just about septupled the number of people I've met on campus.  A few funny stories.  Remember how I mention my issues with my own personal "ugly duckling syndrome"?  Here comes a good example of how silly it is:


So I ended up staying to help at the fundraiser from the time my last class let out until we picked up and went home, almost six hours in all, most of it begging, guilting, or pretty much any other shameless behavior-ing people into buying our goods.  Towards the end of the sale I saw this cute brunette(and remember, I'm usually partial to blondes...) walk through campus kind of eying our table whom I waved to.  

Hint one: After I waved Unnamed Cute Brunette(UCB) immediately and completely changed her trajectory to come and see what was going on.  

Hint two: In the same turning motion UCB slyly removed her glasses, a move I've utilized a few times, let's face it, many of us have vision problems but we don't always feel the most attractive while correcting them.  

Now I don't want to come off as giantly big-headed right now, but I felt pretty good about how I looked at the time, especially considering I had been up for nearly 20 hours by this point in the day, but I feel like I look pretty attractive with my newly shortened hair and about 24-48 hours worth of scruff, it says, "Hey, I'm a clean-cut guy... kinda."


I wish I could tell you that after talking to UCB for a bit I got her number and a date, but in the end, even after immediately recognizing these two hints of interest my true nature won out.  And by 'true nature' I mean the one that's still an awkward, shy, geeky 14 year-old.  I ended up talking to UCB for a couple minutes about why we were out there, she bought some of our baked goods, then I got made fun of for missing that chance...  

Disappointing?  Slightly.  But I really had so much fun sitting in the cold with my friends trying to hoc our cupcakes and cookies!

The Geek in Me

It's time to go undercover again.

I have to say, growing up and becoming comfortable with the nerd you are is for suckers.


Don't get me wrong, I'm not ashamed of my geekiness, in the end it's what, I believe, sets me apart from other guys.  No, this move is strictly strategic in nature.


The problem is pop culture, when people use the terms geek or nerd to describe people, the images that come to mind are:

Which, unfortunately, is an accurate portrayal sometimes...


Anyway, there's a stigma with being a self-proclaimed nerd/geek, and considering my success when I kept my nerdiness hidden from all but a select few, I think it's time to try again.


It makes me a little sad.  I think the geek in me has a lot to offer.  I'm passionate about a broad range of things, which means that I usually have many things in common with girls I'm interested in.  Also I'm reasonably smart, my geekiness was channeled in such a way that causes me to want to learn... everything.


But, hey, those qualities can be expressed without necessarily admitting to the extent of my nerdom.  I goal is to suppress the nerd until people realize I'm a pretty cool guy, then slowly expose the geek when they already like me enough to accept it.  When you're up front about it people just jump to conclusions about you.  And to be honest I'm just really tired of having to constantly defend the nerdy things I'm passionate about.

Can't win 'em all...

Most of my friends will tell you I'm cocky, and I could afford to be knocked down a couple of notches.  However, I'm well aware of my short-comings.  I like to keep my short-comings light, though, and remind myself that you can't win 'em all.  

I feel like there are five spheres of my personal life: Social, Academic, Romantic, Athletic, Career, and I have to allocate my success to each.  It seems a lot of the time I'll have zero success in one sphere in exchange for slightly more success in the other spheres.  Currently I'm having zero success in the romance department, I feel like I'm not interested in the people who are interested in me, and that the people I am interested are shedding points like crazy recently.  I don't feel like I can really complain too much, I mean school and work is going well, I've made more friends through quidditch in the last month than I have overall in the last couple years.

I think the problem is that I KNOW I'm being too picky when it comes to who I'm interested in.  I wish I wasn't having luck with dating because I'm being who I am(well, scratch that, I'm pretty sure quidditch has been hurting my chances with people...), but the main reason is simply that I'm too picky.  I'm a George Costanza, I meet girls that seem cool, then I scrutinize their every flaw until I'm not interested.  I wouldn't say I'm necessarily focusing on small flaws, but it comes back to the issue I always have, I'm looking for that perfect balance of qualities I look for.  While I find girls who are awesome, I always find something missing that I want.  I don't really know what to do apart from just forgetting about dating for a while.  Sounds good!

In other news, I had lunch with Hannah today.  We went to a little Greek place near campus which was actually amazing, I forgot how much grilled salmon is superior to broiled and I decided I may need to invest in a little charcoal barbeque.  During the course of the meal as we were talking Hannah mentioned that there was someone she was interested in.  Cool.  I pretty much went into this mode of thinking where I become completely aware of what my face looks like, and I alter my facial expression to hide what I'm actually thinking.  To be honest it hurt a little, it's the old "It's not that she didn't want to be with anyone, it's that she didn't want to be with me." kind of thing.  Luckily for me I recovered from the staggering blow, at my job you get skilled at acting like you care when you really don't, so I asked questions as if I were interested, even though I wasn't.  Good times.


Don't get me wrong, Hannah is cool, and I care about her a lot and want her to be happy in the long run, but let's face it, I've joined the dark side, I was angry, defiant, etc. so I went home and channeled that emotion for good by getting in a (too) difficult workout and more food.


Did I mention I leave for New York City in 2.5 weeks with the Quidditch team?  It's pretty sweet, I'm excited to go back to the City, we have some sweet touristy things planned along with winning the world cup.  I'm counting the days...

My New Love

This really makes me laugh just thinking about what I'm about to type, but here goes.


So recently I've had the 'girlfriend hole' in my life filled.  Not with a person but with an activity.  That activity is Quidditch.  I joined my university's club team this school year and there has been no going back.  I love it.  Any time I'm not playing it I feel the slight pain of unhappiness and longing.


I talk a lot in this blog about how big of a nerd I am, and I think I down play how much of an athlete I am as well.  I'm a pretty big guy, 6'3" 190lbs.  I've played sports for more than 80% of my life, whether it was starting out with soccer, baseball, basketball, football, volleyball, and now quidditch.

I think I love quidditch so much because it's pretty much an outward expression of who I really am.  While it's an intense sport(I came home this weekend with several bruises and feeling like one giant sore muscle) you're still playing a sport from a fantasy novel, with a broom between your legs.

My team is great!  I think we're all kindred spirits, even though I only met and started playing with them a little over a month ago it feels like we've known each other for years.  Just about all of my team are people like me, former competitive athletes who also happen to be giant nerds and geeks.

We played in, and won, a quidditch tournament in Colorado this weekend, which we won, out-scoring our opponents 480-70 in four games, not including snitch catches(which are only worth 30 points in the muggle version), so in other words, we were dominant.


Anyway, we're headed to the Quidditch World Cup in New York City in three and a half weeks from today, it's pretty exciting.

I'm sure right now some of you are thinking, "Really?  Muggle Quidditch? ..." or "REALLY!? MUGGLE QUIDDITCH!? !!!" Either way, here are some links you may be interested in:


The International Quidditch Association. 

Quidditch World Cup V.

From Here On Out...

So I switched up my blog a bit since I like to 'live in the now'.  I've decided to put the whole 'waiting' thing behind me.

In the end I became a relic of Hannah's old life and therefore represented something she was trying to get away from.  Hannah and I still see each other occasionally, but I've stopped thinking that anything is going to happen and it's more the fact that Hannah is a good friend in that she's reliable, and if she says she's going to do something, she does it.

From here on out this is a post-waiting record, in other words, my normal life blog.


At work Saturday night we hit a real slow patch and since there was a good group on we all congregated on the point to talk.  After some conversation we discovered that there are only three or four of us aides on the floor who aren't in some form of relationship.  This sparked a discussion on how they were going to get us all girlfriends/boyfriends.  I just chuckled.  One of the things that really bothers me is how single people seem to make coupled people uncomfortable.  Honestly, along with some obvious things, that is one of my biggest peeves about being single, all of a sudden you have no friends.  I've been literally told by one of my old buddies that I "could come if [I] had someone to bring."  What is that crap?


Anyway, as they were brainstorming who I could ask out my dating history, most notably that in the past 20 months I've been on less than a handful of dates, a statistic that is apparently up there with the older nurses who have given in to the idea of permanent bachelor/ette-hood.  When asked why I tried to explain that I like to get to know girls before I ask them out, mostly because I dislike playing "Dating Go-Fish."

My coworkers were all in agreement that I just need to start going on dates.  I have been working on putting myself out in the social sphere, I joined an intramural football team which I've been voted team captain for, I've been playing some Muggle Quidditch which has been a welcomed way to put my athleticism and nerdiness at peace with each other.


I have decided start considering being more liberal in my dating practices, though it will be hard to put the old ways behind me as they were generally successful.


So... peace-out waiting blog...

About Last Weekend...

So last weekend was probably in the top two worst for me. Ok, maybe not the whole weekend, really it was really only a bad 1/8th of a weekend....
It started off great! Conference, quidditch in the park, conference take two, priesthood sesh(sorry girls, you miss out, I think it's by far the best of all...), a full night of sleep, to The 'Rents for chocolate muffins, conference take three and four, spent the afternoon/evening hanging out with Smartypants, then after that it kind of went downhill in a big hurry.


As much as I try to disguise my emotions from the general population, there is one thing that makes me feel so intensely that I struggle to suppress it: feeling like a disappointment to people I care about, especially The 'Rents. Case and point, I loved the movie Inception, but I will admit there was this part that made my face all tingly, which is an indication that if I don't focus I'm going to shed tears.

Man, when he finds the pinwheel he made in his father's safe it almost gets me every time.


Yeah, so I have mommy and daddy issues...


Smartypants has been an invaluable friend through the beginning of this week, apparently she understands that I don't really want to talk through it, I just want to put it out there and put it behind me.  Which I feel is a rare skill with women.


Anyway, I ended up missing a math midterm worth 20% of my grade, but after enough begging and pleading my professor decided to give me a one-time chance to take a different and more difficult version of the test. Is it sad that after hearing the class average was 88%  I'm actually excited for a more difficult version of the test?


So, there's a win.

Once in a Lifetime Opportunity!

-Are you a geek and/or nerd?  
 
-Do you think it would be cool to meet me, Waiting on a Sister Missionary, but most likely only get a vague idea that I may or may not be among a group of people that you've once seen?

-Do you live in Utah, especially within reasonable driving distance of Salt Lake City?
 
-Are you a fan of physical activity and sunlight?
 
-Did you cry at the end of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part One?
 
-Do you feel special when you know about something that is going on, and no one else does?
 
-Do you like to watch adults do things that should probably be reserved for pre-teens and other adolescents?
 
-Do you enjoy seeing the confused looks on people's faces?
 
-Do you enjoy Saturday afternoons at The Gateway?


If you answered 'Yes' to, like, three or four of the previous questions then you should come on down to Pioneer Park(between 3rd South and 3rd West and 4th South and 4th West in Salt Lake City) by Noon sharp on Saturday October 1st in order to experience some magical awesomeness that you will never truly forget.  In fact, now that I think about it, it could just change your life forever.

And seriously I mean 12 o'clock sharp because the window of opportunity for this momentous experience is only going to be 15-30 minutes long.  And no, I won't tell you  what you're looking for, you should know it when you see it.    

Mention the blog when you show up and if I'm one of the people who hears you do so you'll get an entire post dedicated to how awesome and superior to everyone you are.

Hint: .tekraM s'remraF eht ton s'tI

D + 60

Hello again!


So after a few questions I figured I'd give the readership an update of what's been going down.


So based on the blog title you can tall that Hannah has been home for pretty much two months.  It's been an interesting time.  We've probably averaged seeing each other about once every week and a half.  Things haven't really improved since the last update.


On Saturday night Hannah texted me and asked if I'd be at the 'rents on Sunday and if that would be a good time for her to say Hi to the fam.  I told her it would be, and she came over.  Again, as with all things so far, it was weird, she didn't stay very long at all.  When both BigSis and I go to the house on Sundays we all make ice cream, the maker was running when Hannah showed up and it was still going when she left.  Sometimes I feel like these awkward moments, the first phone call, the first get-together, and now this are so weird because Hannah is doing them expecting/looking for a sign that we're supposed to be together forever.  It also probably still goes along with the fact that she consciously trying to keep me at arms length.


To be honest, I'm fed up with the mixed signals, every time I leave after we're together I just feel frustrated and a little bit angry.  Sunday was no exception, in fact after she and BigSis left I sat down and had a heart to heart with my mom for the first time since... well, ever.  Mom said how Hannah seemed just like the girl who had left, and I explained how I've recognized that as the root of my problem here, she seems exactly the same so why are things so different?  Maybe it's just something my logical, male brain can't yet comprehend.  I told Mom all about how I'm frustrated, because Hannah told me that she wanted to date me and others "casually" but how I feel like I'm not on equal footing.  Hannah pushes me away to keep from falling back into a relationship with me right away, and I feel like I have a responsibility to give her space out of respect for her and our history.  In short, I don't feel like I can, or would be allowed to, pursue Hannah like I would with any other girl I would go after.


Anyway Mom didn't have much to say, I mostly think she was too stunned that I was actually talking to her about my personal life, which I've never done.


My life outside of "waiting" has been going well, school is starting, my classes come naturally to me, except Trigonometry, which I'm pretty sure isn't real, and just made up to mess with you.  I bought a car which I've named "Little Blackie"(10 points to whoever gets the reference) which has increased my ability to get things done several times over.  I drove a distance and took Smartypants out to dinner on Friday, which kind of counted against Hannah a lot.  When I talk to Smartypants things are natural, I can be myself, I don't really worry about anything, and I can be goofy.  When I'm with Hannah all I do is stress about... well, everything.  Which probably contributes to my frustration.  I'm not a serious person, I never have been, I don't believe in being serious unless it's absolutely necessary.  I'm no longer the person I want to be when I'm with Hannah.


Anyway, after the contrast from Smartypants to Hannah over the weekend I've decided that I need to start focusing on changing my mentality, and putting myself back on the market.

The Mask Master

To the readers of this blog it may seem difficult to believe that in the real word people call me "emotionless."  In fact, one of my co-workers has said, "If ever a human was like a Vulcan, you are that human."


I guess I don't really like everyday people to know if I'm feeling bad or upset, mostly because I've spent years creating this facade that I'm untouchable.  The truth is, this month especially, I've spent more hours laying on my bed in the depths of despair than I'm happy to admit.


I've become skilled at hiding how I feel so much that no one knows when I'm bothered.  I can conjure up certain emotions by thinking about things that evoke those feelings: my nephew calling me "Uncle Pete", doing stupid stuff with the Littlebrother, Zoolander quotes, standing on top of mountains, you get the picture.  But it never lasts, the smile fades and the forged emotion is gone until it's needed again.


Now I sometimes feel like I need a hand, but I can't ask for one.  I'm the unflappable, it's not natural.  I feel like admitting I'm unhappy is succumbing t defeat, and I also know that is my old-fashioned upbringing talking.  I guess my problem for now is that there isn't anyone I feel I can trust with my ultimate secret.  I'm wearing a mask.  I feel.

The Final Three Years

It's a funny feeling.  It was almost exactly three years ago that Hannah and I officially started dating.  I can still only remember the good parts, though that's bound to change.

The last three years have been a learning experience for sure.  I've met so many people who have impacted my life, those who have endowed me with bits of their wisdom which I am attempting to mold together into wisdom of my own.  I've loved, I've lost, I've learned what is really important to me and what is just fluff.  I've learned what I need and I can live without.


I know that "You can do it!" is leading in my poll by quite a bit, which was my plan regardless of that outcome, so the sudden change may seem curious.  I am a very proud boy.  To the surprise of some, I'll admit it's my greatest flaw.  The romantics I know will accuse my of letting pride get in the way of what "could be", but I would say it is more self-respect attempting to protect me than pride.


I explained how Hannah called me the morning she was released, and how confused I've been since.  That call still remains the only time Hannah has initiated contact in the weeks that she's been home.  After this weeks get together we've seen each other on four separate occasions.  Usually if a woman is not initiating contact after the first time I write them off, with Hannah however, between our history and her condition, I allowed for some lee-way, but my patience has been quickly sapped.


I am told that you have to open yourself up and be vulnerable for a relationship to develop.  I agree, but I will not become a yuppie, and any woman who requires me to become so to earn her attention is not my type.  I'm only human, I need reinforcement of some kind, and instead the last two rendezvous have actually moved in reverse, I haven't even received the obligatory, awkward side-hug since the homecoming.


Where do I go from here?  Who knows what my fate has in-store.  There's a movie quote that always brings me comfort that I'd like to share before I go, which, in a way, strangely parallels the final three years:

Hang Me Out to Dry

A lot of people accuse me of thinking too much.  I do.  I don't really care.  Why is everyone afraid of thinking too much?  I do it all the time, and while it adds a slight amount of stress to my life I'm very, very rarely caught off-guard.  Honestly, I don't see what's so bad or frightening about considering every conceivable possibility and then weeding out the unlikely outliers to determine what is most likely to happen?


Predictably I've been thinking a lot about the future possibilities with Hannah.  I didn't mention in my last post that on our hike Hannah mentioned she was "excited to date."  And by "date", she meant "date around."  She said she only wanted to go on casual dates with me at this time.  As much as I don't like this idea, I recognize it as a wise(and probably the best) choice.  

I feel like I'm placed at a disadvantage, however.  To give an example that I feel is easiest to understand I'll refer back to my time dating Liz.  So when Liz and I were down at school she lived one floor directly above me in the residence halls.  After we started dating sometimes when I asked if she wanted to get together she would, understandably, say she really needed to get some homework done or study, and she'd say she'd come visit when she was done if it wasn't too late.  Because of our dating I felt a certain responsibility to accept her answer and let her focus on that.  Unfortunately the other guys in the the building didn't not have such obligations, and most nights they would go and visit Liz and her roommates and the ensuing distraction usually resulted in Liz finishing up when it was "too late."


Flash-Forward back to now:  I feel I'm in a similar situation with Hannah.  Because of our past I feel responsible(see: obligated) to respect her wishes and give her space, more space than I would if I were some new guy who was interested in her.  I have to limit myself while the competition has no such qualms.  In that way I feel I'm at an instant and constant disadvantage in this race.  

It's like playing Whiffleball with Littlebro, I don't want to ALWAYS crush him, so I keep it close.  Every now and then, however, something goes wrong, he hits a timely homerun, or catches a clutch line drive, and I end up with the big "L".


I guess in my spectrum of foreseeable outcomes there is a range from John Cusack in Serendipity to Joseph Gordon Levitt in (500) Days of Summer.

The Long and Lonesome Road...

Hannah and I met up for a hike for our get-together this week.


The hike was definitely a beneficial experience, we were able to really talk, rather than the stupid just-catching-up stuff we've been doing.  We hiked up to a waterfall, ate lunch, then trekked back down, that was it.  On the way up we spoke in depth about religion and the philosophy thereof.  My goal for bringing this up was twofold.  First I wanted to start off talking about something she was confident in right now, plus I do have some real questions that she could answer.  Second, I wanted to know where she stood, you never know with returned missionaries and the faith.


On the way down I was able to transition into more temporal matters, "us".  I really wanted to have a chance to tell Hannah how I felt and what I really though about what she said the last time we were alone together.  I guess the best way to describe her reaction and response was that it was "nearly as good as I could expect."  I told her, honestly, the type of relationship I expected, and she did the same for me.  We are pretty closely on the same page, however there were a few details that were tough to swallow, though not necessarily bad.


For instance, we agree we need to take it slow, start from the beginning, and just be friends, but it's still difficult actually hearing that she doesn't feel right about us dating right now.  While I agree it's wisest for her to date me and others casually, it's still difficult know what I'm in for.


It's slightly frustrating knowing the road that is ahead of me, whether I understand the reason for it or not.  There's a good chance I'll be headed uphill for a year or more yet.

Strategery

Hannah's homecoming at church was today.


It went really well!  At least as well as could be expected.  After I was able to sleep and calm my nerves after the Wednesday reunion my head was cleared and I was able to start reassessing my plans and strategies.


My problem, I'll admit, was getting my hopes up at the possibility of a swift re-acclimation, to the point that I told myself that is what I needed.  Since the meeting proved that would not be the case I've been focusing the last few days on shifting gears, digging in* and preparing for a long drawn out process.(*I was going to make a really nerdy comparison to the WWI, but decided to save you all the long, metaphorical tangent.)


This is not a situation that will be solved with words, but actions.  We're planning to get together again once this week for an activity.  My immediate goal is to prove to her that I'm not only interested in resuming a relationship, I still need to separate my feelings for pre-mission Hannah from post- and decide if that is what I want anyway.  I can't adequately do that unless we spend some more time together.  Until such conclusions can be made I figure, Hannah and I were friends long before she was my girlfriend.

Here's to always having a Plan: B (and C... and D...)

...and the counter resets...

It's been one full week since Hannah got back.  Here's your update:


I got a call Saturday morning around 11am.  I can't describe how happy I was to see her number pop up on my phone so soon.  I mean she literally called me less than three hours after getting set apart.  That's a good sign, right?  Unfortunately this phone call has become a source of great confusion for me.  While she called me right away the phone call that followed lasted only two minutes and nineteen minutes, according to my phone, until she said she needed to go.  Mixed signals.  Important enough to call me right away, but not enough to warrant time for a conversation.  Later that day we texted a couple of times to set up a time to meet up.  Wednesday was decided upon.  That was that.


The next time we had contact was Monday.  Pioneer day here in Utah.  It was afternoon and we exchanged a few text messages about holiday plans.  I'll admit I was secretly hoping we could bump up the day of our meeting by a couple days.  Unfortunately Monday was a day of disappointment as I found out Hannah had already done a few of the things we had talked about doing together when she got back.


Finally Wednesday came around.  I don't know what emotion I would say that I was feeling.  I was excited to see Hannah.  I had hope that being face-to-face would make things better.  I was confused about the events and actions of the previous few days.  We met up at one of my favorite little food joints for lunch so we could eat and talk.  I have to say the tempo was set right off that bat.  I went in for the hug I had waited so long for, and was met with the side-lean hug.


We ate, we talked.  It's incredible hard to talk to a returned missionary who's like this.  I spent most of the time desperately trying to feel out for common ground.  We were together and talked for about two and a half hours.  It was difficult for me, there she was sitting across from me, cute as ever, the girl I've know for years.  I was so happy to be back there, I'm sure most of the time I had this idiotic smile on my face as my memories of us did battle with the stark reality I was surrounded with.  Her outward appearance was where everything stopped being familiar.


The experience kind of reminded me of all those movies where someone has amnesia, or otherwise can't remember their life or recent events, when another character, usually the romantic interest, is trying to trigger their memory and return them to normal.  It's a difficult situation, while all of my memories of us together were preserved over time, hers were overwritten. The final blow of the afternoon was struck when, after a short silence Hannah asks:


"What do you expect from me now that I'm back?  I really don't want a relationship."


I didn't really know how to react.  I knew that she felt this way, and I was willing and able to go along with it, but it was this moment that I felt there was little chance of being friends like before, as we had discussed.  Any move I initiated towards friendship would be viewed as an attempt at a relationship.  The reason I had been kept at arms length since she got home was made clear with this simple question.


The Quandary: The problem I have now is what my next move is.  I feel I have two, equally poor choices.  
1. Keep trying to find chances to get together and spend time together.  While this is the choice I want to make, I also know that this action could be viewed as trying to force her hand, or pressuring her into something she doesn't want now.  
2. I give her a wide berth, I let her dictate when we get together, or even speak.  I really don't like this option because first it can make it look like I don't care to see her or talk to her.  Second it could look as if I'm bothered by her saying she's not interested in being in a relationship, and that I'm a douche for running away because of that. Or third, I'm unsure how much she really wants to see me, I get the distinct feeling that if I don't contact her that we won't be in contact at all.


Following my answer to her question she almost immediately called the meeting to a close.  Now I'm left wondering what my next move is.  I want to spend time with Hannah, but at times I feel that will be counter-productive.  I guess I'll have to find some kind of middle ground.  I'll see her at her official homecoming on Sunday.  I'll keep an eye out for an opportunity to tell her how I really feel about all of this, then maybe wait a couple weeks to initiate contact with her again.

Allow me to paint a picture for you...

You're running your first Ironman.  You've completed the 2.4-mile swim.  You've survived a 112-mile bike ride.  You've run for 26 miles.  You've done all of these things in the blistering Summer sun.  It's unnatural, humans shouldn't be doing this to themselves.  You've a quarter mile left, you can see the finish line that you've labored for hours to reach.  You push yourself further still, harder, you have no energy, you run on pure will.  You reach the finish line, arms raised in victory, you feel ready to collapse.  Tears, Exhaustion.  Then at once all you can hear is a very clear voice that states: "You've gotta keep going."

My Friends Call Me Whiskers

Hannah flies in tomorrow night.  I'll be at work so there will be no airport reunion, though ever since September 11th ruined everything airport reunions aren't what they used to be.


As this time has drawn nearer I've been asked more and more often if I am excited to have her coming home so soon.  Well I don't feel excited.  That's not entirely true.  I am excited, I'm excited for that one good big hug that I'm probably entitled to.  I'm excited because I don't know if I've had a quality hug since Hannah left.  I've gotten a few hugs since, but I'm not sure if any of them felt like more than the semi-awkward friend-hug, probably no thanks to my goal of breaking my aversion to early physical expressions of affection.


No, not excited, Curious.  I'm curious about a great many things.  I left the ball of First Contact (Heheheee) in her court, I told Hannah that I respected her space and would love to see her again when she was ready.  So first, I'm curious about when I will get my call.  I'm curious how much of the Hannah I knew, my Hannah, remains.  I half expect to meet someone I recognize, but don't actually know.  I curious to see how quickly we find common ground again.  When I spoke to her on the phone things still felt so natural, like we'd been apart for a week and had a few things to catch up on, but it's been almost seven months since then.  Finally I'm curious about what my reaction might be.  Over the last month or two I've been planning and plotting so much, I know my strategy and tactics, but so many conclusions have been based on assumptions, assumptions like the fact that we'll have anything in common, or that Hannah won't spend all the time we're together trying to better convert me to the church.


I guess I'm curious rather than excited because I have no idea what will happen, I don't even know when I'll see her, it may not be until her homecoming talk in church.  I'm curious rather than excited because I have no control, no matter how much time I've spent planning a strategy I have to react to Hannah.  All I can do now is wait.  The next time you hear from me I'll be reporting on the reunion!  Peace out, yo!

Astronomy

I love to look at the stars and go stargazing.  Now I know stargazing is code for various activities, but I seriously just like looking up at the stars.  Growing up I always wanted to be an astronaut, I still have that boyhood fantasy, though it will never be realized since the retirement of the space shuttle this last week.  I swear, I know every constellation in the northern hemisphere, I know all of the stories and myths behind them, I can even pick out all of the various visible planets.  

I can't help but marvel at the vastness of space and wonder what else is out there.  It really puts
 any of the "drama" in your life into perspective when you think about how insignificant you are from a galactic point of view:

 The Sun is ONE PIXEL in that last picture!

I've been stressing a lot this week about Hannah coming back home on Friday.  My vacation with Bangs was great, but I think while it made the days we were gone go quickly, the days since we've been back have seemed an eternity.  So much restlessness and it seems like such a big deal, but in the grand scheme of things... it's really not.  The Sun will still come up tomorrow morning, there will still be oxygen to breath.



On a lighter(and, I think, more humorous) note:

So tonight while BangsMcCoy and I were sitting around waiting to see if her home teachers would show up, Bangs asked if I thought she should try out a dating site.  I told her she should definitely fill out a free eHarmony profile, mostly because in the experience I had with it it was interesting to see the kind of people it aligns you with.  Well, after about the 20 minutes of personality profile questions she submits her answers so she can see a few of her matches.  Her first batch brings up a set of six guys within 60 miles that she's "compatible" with, when who's profile is fourth from the top? Yup, it's mine!  I laughed and laughed.  And tried to make the rest of the night super awkward.  I'm still kind of laughing about it right now.

The Plains

Yup, I spent the weekend in Vegas with BangsMcCoy.  I really, really needed to get away, I've been feeling burned out working so much this Summer.  I was due for a vacation, don't believe me?  Thanks to my stat obsessed baseball player side I can tell you that in the last 14 months I have spent all but one night sleeping in my own bed, and it's been almost exactly 23 months since I left the state of Utah.


It was really nice to do absolutely nothing for three days and two nights.  Usually when I Vacation I like to explore, see the sights, etc. but I've been to Vegas so many times, whether it was for baseball, just passing through, or actually vacationing there there isn't really anything to see.  

I did get my much needed seafood buffet in, it's pretty much a must anytime I go to to Vegas or Mesquite. 

I gambled some, I always take a certain amount to play with(that I count on losing) and play until it's either doubled or gone.  

I may have gotten a tan, I said I did absolutely nothing, which included spending at least 30% of my time in the city at the hotel pool.  I hope it sticks because I think I'm exponentially more attractive with a little bit of sun.


I slept normal hours and got caught up it's been about 3 months since I was up so many consecutive days and asleep so many consecutive nights.


I got accosted by some bums in an IHOP parking lot.  It just wouldn't be Vegas if I wasn't stopped by some old guy giving me some story about how he has diabetes and hasn't "had Insulin in over a month."  Considering he was still living, and not passed out seizing somewhere I figured he didn't really need Insulin, that combined with the fact that I recognized some tell-tale signs of opiate use, and even more so the fact that I rarely carry cash other than my emergency $20 bill.  I had to apologize that I couldn't help him.


I got a Tarot Card reading.  I've always been interested in Tarot and how it works.  It's mentioned in so many movies and TV shows that I wanted to see what it was like.  Want to know what I was told?

• December will be a big month for me, I hope this is true, there could be something really big happening in my life in mid-December but I'll wait to say what until it's more likely.
• I have a male figure/person/presence watching over me.  BangsMcCoy and I agreed this could be BioDad.
• My love-life is good the way it is now.  Confusing.  It's good in that I am currently single at this moment?  Or that waiting for Hannah is a good idea?
• I will be a leader over people.  This stuck out in my mind because she mentioned it two different and distinct times during my reading.  I'll admit I am a good leader when I step up and lead, but most of the time I'm happy to defer leadership to people with more knowledge, experience, or desire to lead, until they do something dumb.  Maybe I'll fulfill the middle school vote of being "Most Likely to become President"?

The lady giving the reading was pretty cool.  She didn't put on some mystical show, she just flipped over the cards and spoke very matter-of-factly.  It was kind of eerie.

The road-trip itself was pretty fun.  It was nice to learn some more about Bangs, we both had a good time.  The trip definitely helped make a few of my last several days waiting for Hannah enjoyable, as well as making them pass quickly.


Less than a week to go!

Ugly Duckling Syndrome.

At work they've started making all the relatively new people work off-shifts.  This means if you work the night shift they're going to make you work a couple day shifts per month.  Apparently they want everyone able to work any shift well, just in case.  In the last few weeks I've worked with Kyndra a few times.  Kyndra is a really cure girl, and she's funny, which is always a plus.  Kyndra and I flirt, a lot, at work.  I know she's into me.


One problem.  Kyndra is the girl all the guys want.  Now those of you who know me are probably thinking, "But Chris, you're sooooo full of yourself, are you not up to the challenge?"  No I'm not.  Call it one of the lessons that came out of my relationship with Liz.  I'm not a jealous person at all, but I am competitive like no other.  The problem when I try to date the girl all the guys want is that, even though she already picked me, I still feel like I have to compete just as hard to maintain that decision.  

It's like in distance running.  It's hard at the beginning to see everyone burst out of the starting block, you want more than anything to keep with the pack, but if you try you begin running their race and before you know it you're burned out and winded.  You have to run your own race.


I'll admit, my inability to run my own race stems from having low self-esteem.  I know, "WHAT?!?!"  It's Ugly Duckling Syndrome.  That's a Shallow Hal reference that no one ever seems to get, allow me to explain.  Ugly Duckling Syndrome occurs when someone takes time, say until late in the high school years, to transform from their awkward, ugly, baby-fat, pre-teen appearance into their mature, beautiful form, but still have the personality of that ugly kid.  I won't say I was ever UGLY, mine was more a Social strain of Ugly Duckling Syndrome.


In Middle School I was an outcast, big time.  I was known as a huge nerd/geek and I felt like crap.  Honestly, I hated myself and who I was.  When high school rolled around I ended up attending a school that my middle school didn't feed into.  I knew no one, so I was free to re-invent myself.  In high school I was definitely known as more of a jock, but in my mind I was still that geeky, awkward, 13-year-old outcast from middle school.  I still am.


Hannah was much the same way.  She's always been beautiful, but she was always outshone by her friends blatant attention grabbing techniques, so she was always in the background and accepted that role.  Obviously she doesn't fit based on my small battle in The Story: Episode VI with Tyson.


I guess I need to date girls with Ugly Duckling Syndrome so that I don't have any flare-ups of my own UDS. 

You Said It!

I got some good responses from my last post I mostly liked the ones Trip Hazard and Madi because they agreed I'm going to do the right thing.  I mean, I AM going to her homecoming, I've already RSVP'd to the event on Facebook, I can't go back on that.


We had a long discussion about a common point in each of you comments at work last night.  Women are ridiculous and make no sense.  Now when I was growing up is was just my mother, my older sister, and I for a few years so I'm more familiar with women than most.  I witnessed my mom date, I witnessed my older sister date, I wouldn't be a true people watcher if I hadn't paid attention.  I'm very perceptive, I think I know all the incredibly subtle hints women give, but it still drives me crazy.  Why?  Women are not consistent.


I guess the most obvious example is when women say "I'm fine."  I swear 80% of the time "I'm fine." really means, "You screwed up, and I'm upset, and I want to see if you'll figure that out and apologize/make it up to me!!!!!!).  The other 20% of the time it means "I'm fine."  It's probably more than 80/20, someone should really do a statistical study on that.  Anyway, there's no way to "play it safe" when it comes to women, because you never really know when they're being serious and when they want you to solve their little brain puzzle.


I'm pretty sure Hannah and I talked about this and we cut a deal.  I would be open with my "feelings" if I could accept what she said she was/wanted as fact.  It has worked out pretty well, of course it's a hard habit for her to break, but I don't cave either.  There have been one or two time she said she was "Fine" when she was obviously bothered by something.  Of course me being the annoying(and probably slightly manipulative) person I am went out of my way to act normal, content, and happy until she finally admitted she was bothered and that I was ridiculous for pretending that I really didn't know that.  I guess that's just one of many things that women have to put up with me.


Hopefully this clears up why I'm going to give her "some space."  That's what she said, and I'm "assuming" that's what she means.  Plus I'll see her at the homecoming a week after she gets home, and since I'm considerably more irresistible now than I was at her farewell all should be well.

Now it's your turn!

So Hannah will be back in the Salt Lake Valley in two weeks and two days.  I decided that it would be best for her to come to me in her own time.  I'm not going to push contact or communication, she knows how to reach me, so she can.  When I was telling BangsMcCoy this last night, however, she indicated this was the wrong choice.  It's possible that this is one of those instances where guys and girls just don't see situations in the same light.  

Personally I feel I'm making the best choice, Hannah has indicated in letters that she wants to rediscover herself when she gets home, and I think that's a good idea.  In my male brain my planned tactic seems to facilitate her wish.


Now it's your turn!  I want to hear from you.  I know you're out there and reading.  How would you want it handled if you were in Hannah's position?  How do you think I should handle the situation?

To Sum Things Up

It's probably safe to say this blog about my personal experiences waiting for Hannah, a sister missionary, has run it's course.  However unsuccessful or disappointing it may have been I did learn a few things while doing my time:


First off, I would never wait for a missionary again.  It really has nothing to do with me being upset or jilted.  I thought I was being really smart in the way I was waiting in that I wasn't "exclusively waiting."  What it took me over a year to realize is that there is no "smart" way to wait.  The smart thing to do is to not ever let yourself get too close to anyone who may go on a mission.  It really is an impossible situation, you want to date, but that missionary will always be floating around in the back of your mind.  Of course, if you're the type who can decide if they want to marry by the third date you can probably disregard this entire post, and probably the rest of the blog as well.


Next, a rather valuable lesson for me.  I am not the rock or island I thought I was.  I have always prided myself on my complete independence, and that any dependencies I do have are purely voluntary in nature.  I think the last year and a half has proven otherwise.  I do NEED some amount of emotional and physical intimacy or I seem to slowly start leaking emotion indiscriminately.  Maybe I need a dog or something.


I also became more aware that I am a bit of a control freak when it comes to life.  People who know me would probably laugh hearing that, mostly because when it comes to a lot of decisions I'm indecisive because I don't care.  However, in life I need to feel like I have some element of control, I've really hated the amount of uncertainty that "waiting" has added to my life.  I think the constant feeling that I'm going to be really happy or really depressed at some point in the near future is just too much for me, especially when that depends on something I can't control, i.e. Hannah.


I need to stop being so silly about dating.  I won't ever stop being incredibly picky, but when it comes to dating I need to decide my goal and go for it.  I need to stop treating the period from hanging out to boyfriend/girlfriend less like a war of attrition and take a more proactive role.  I think I've been starting to make some progress with this my first goal has been to become more liberal with touching and physical signs of affection, and hopefully one day I'll be able to get into "dating mode in less than three months.


Finally, I need to live a little more in the present, rather than in a combination of the past and the future.  Sometimes I feel like I need to, which stems from my control-freakishness towards life, but I really can't keep trying to predict what other people will do.  I really just need to "live in the now" and stop basing decisions I make so much on what may or may not happen in the future.


I guess from a personal perspective waiting was good, I learned a few important things about myself, I was able to identify some weaknesses, as well as a few areas I stress about and need to cut myself some slack on.  I would definitely not wait again, but would I advise other to avoid waiting as well?  Perhaps not, sometimes people need to be knocked back a few notches to avoid becoming apathetic.


Adieu.

Emotionless

Many people I'm acquainted with like to see I have no feelings or emotions.  This is obviously untrue, everyone feels emotion, and anyone who reads this blog has read my whining and ranting.  I don't like showing a lot of emotion around most people because they've proven a bit of a weakness of mine in the past, so I dull my emotion for the general populace.


I am pretty good at masking my emotion, I hide them well in conversation and I'm really good at conveying only the emotions I want to.


When I'm feeling particularly emotional, and thereby vulnerable, I tend to punish myself.  Usually by trying to push myself to that emotional extreme, making whatever I'm dealing with at the time seem small.


Recently, and quite predictably, I've been experiencing a lot of loneliness and issues related to it.  I'll admit it freely, I've started to struggle with it a lot.  I don't want to say it has made me unhappy, I am content, but I am still aware that I'm not as happy as I could be.


This morning I woke up early, too early, with a lot on my mind, mostly regarding my loneliness.  I got a little bummed that I have been feeling like I need to do all of this plotting and scheming to ditch this thing and be fully happy.  Honestly I tire of the effort I've been putting in, though I'm sure that's true of any fruitless effort.


Perhaps I've been relying on the wrong things or people to push me beyond my general content, maybe if I stop trying I can just relax and be happy again.

Please be 'Trunky'

Today in the mail I got what will probably be one of my last letters from Canada.  Recent letters have been a source of great frustration for me.  I think it's because I can see these little glimmers of hope, which Hannah immediately apologizes for and slips back into missionary-mode.


For instance, in this letter she was explaining to me her plans for life once she gets home, and how she's excited to move on to the next epoch of her life.  Then she made reference to an inside joke, which made me happy, it made me feel like she wasn't all gone.  Then she goes into apologizing for being "trunky" followed by several strictly, and very, mission-related paragraphs.  It, kind of, made me laugh afterward because nothing would make me happier than to hear all about how trunky she is, or how homesick she is, or how excited she is to see me.




I really hope I don't come off as that guy who needs the perfect woman.  I wonder if Hannah is so worried about seeming "trunky" because I might see it as a sign of weakness.  She apologized profusely for crying in front of me before she left, but honestly I may have shed a tear if I experienced emotion like normal people.

I wonder, do I make Hannah feel like I expect too much? When it comes to what I say I want in a woman I'm probably a little hyperbolic, and maybe it's taken to far.  Sometimes I worry people think I expect too much.  I'm much more realistic than I seem at first.

One Word to Describe You.

I was working with Prementor the other day.  We have a very JD-Coxian relationship, she gives me a lot of crap at work for things, but I accept that it's mostly because she wants me to be better at work, and at life, than everyone else.


Last night she said, "You know, Chris, I used to think I'd describe you as a Narcissist, but now I think you're just weird.  That's the only word I can think of to describe you."


I've long accepted that it's very difficult for people to describe or explain the kind of person I am, but it was really funny to hear it put so plainly.  It got me thinking about what word I would use to describe myself.  At first I thought about "brainy", then I thought that maybe "weird" was a good one.  I finally settled on "Sufficient."


"Sufficient" may not be a very romantic word to describe yourself as.  The dictionary defines "Sufficient" as "Adequate for the purpose; Enough."  I feel that, however boring, it describes me more completely than any other word of which I know.  You can think of just about anything, and I am "sufficient".  Sure, sometimes I'm more than sufficient, but I'm always, at least, as much as is needed.

My Free Time

I've spent quite a few of my last days off with BangsMcCoy.  Bangs has been a welcomed distraction from Hannah and Smartypants.


I'm always entertained by BangsMcCoy, probably because she and I are so similar, eerily similar sometimes.  I joke that Bangs is the female version of myself and vice versa.  Not that she's exactly like my, only a girl, but that she is what I would have turned out like had I been raised as a girl including all implied and taught gender roles.


It's been really good to get out and just joke relentlessly with someone for a change.  I love to joke and tease, but recently with Hannah I feel like I've had to walk on egg shells, which is hard.  Even with Smartypants, sure I flirted a lot via teasing, but I was still trying hard to impress her so there was always a little stress involved with that.  Yes, it's been nice to really just let loose with Bangs.


Maybe I just started taking myself too seriously.  The last two weeks I've been starting to let loose.  I think originally I had gone a little crazy with things with those girls.  Now I've relaxed a little more, I ordered some stuff online last week, some of it has shown up and every time I think about it I start this excited(and admittedly a little creepy) giggling.


Anyway, thanks to my new friend BangsMcCoy, for putting up with the endless teasing and joking.  Whether you know it or not, I've needed it.

Not What I Needed to Hear

Today was P-day for Hannah.  I decided to E-mail her to ask her a question.  You see, I used the last of my stamps sending my last letter to Canada(I sent 45 letters in 70 weeks.  Devotion, right?), and since the smallest set of stamps costs about $20 I wanted to ask if she was alright just Emailing for her last couple weeks.  I got her response, which was about a sentence long and said:

"Hi Chris, So you can email me, but I want to be obedient, so I'll just write you letters in return."

Part of me understands.  The other part is screaming "WTF?!?!?!?!"  It scares me a little, and by "a little" I mean "a metric ton", that with weeks left she's still so strictly in this mode.  I really expected her to be homesick, therefore more open or excited to communicate more quickly.  I guess I'm confused.  I'd think she'd be homesick at this point and slavering for a chance to communicate reasonably again.

Can't Have Your Smartypants Cake and Eat It Too...

I have to admit, the reason I’ve been so “down in the dumps” the last month or so is all because of Smartypants.  Long story short, I’ve finally learned what was meant when your middle school English teacher tried to teach you about the Tragic Comedy.

Seriously, every time I think about it, which admittedly is WAY more than I wish I did, I’m either twisting my stomach in knots of sadness and frustration, or laughing and chuckling to myself.  Some times the irony of the situation is just too much for me.  So here’s the long story long version.

Smartypants and I actually met via the internet, which is still kind of weird to me, I honestly never thought I’d “meet” anyone on the internet, I still laugh at people who do.  Anyway, we initially started talking, oh, about six months after Hannah left.  At first it was just a text message or an email here and there, it went on like that for about another four or five months, when we finally met for the first time.  Meeting someone you met online, in real-life for the first time is definitely an interesting experience.  We met up at The Gateway, and I knew I’d like her right away when I recognized her as we were both burning some extra pre-movie time at Barnes and Noble.  I kinda kept my head down, since I’m pretty sure she didn’t notice me.  We met up at the movie theater and had a really good time.

Between then and now Smartypants had really made significant progress in (for me) a short amount of time.  Even now Smartypants have only gotten together six times or so.  Even still, I would number Smartypants as the third woman I have genuinely liked, along with Liz and Hannah.

Unfortunately, my lack of skill in “leading with my heart” became my undoing.  I ended up weighing the strengths and weaknesses of Smartypants and Hannah against each other.  Surprisingly, considering my respective history with each, it was tight, and by tight I mean dead even.  It was ridiculous, I couldn't really argue either way and in the end I might as well have just tossed a coin to decide for me.  So I made a decision, and I can honestly say I still don't know if I chose wisely.  It pretty much came down to my long history with Hannah, which admittedly could mean absolutely nothing in the end, versus whether I thought I could avoid the feeling of "what might have been" with Hannah while dating Smartypants.

In the end I sided with Hannah, mostly sighting the fact that if Smartypants and I would have only been "dating" for a couple months(more like a matter of weeks, technically) before Hannah got home, that I couldn't create enough distance with Smartypants from Hannah in that time.  I also knew that trying to juggle both would be out of the question, I can't do that ethically.  The unfortunate thing is that I've still been experiencing the what-might-have-beens towards Smartypants.  Logically that's ridiculous, I tell myself, "Self, you only hung out with Smartypants six times, and only a couple of those would be considered dates, get a grip man!"  But it doesn't help, I guess some things stick with you.

I guess the ironic, ridiculous part about this whole mess, the thing that makes me laugh like a crazy man, is that I would never met Smartypants had Hannah not gone on a mission, there would have literally been no way we would have ever crossed paths.  Then, Hannah being on a mission is also, really, the only reason Smartypants and I can’t be together at this time.  It’s sad, but it’s so frustratingly ironic that I literally chuckle to myself.

Another irony is this conversation I had with my co-worker, Brian, months ago.  I honestly did not believe that was a situation I was going to have to deal with, and I almost made it through!  What are the odds that in five-and-a-half years since high school I meet two girls I really want to date, then I meet a third in the really the least ideal six month period possible.  I feel like I got too cocky about my ability to control my own fate, and so fate responded with "Take this sucka!"

I know this is going to be something I'll struggle deeply with until Hannah gets home.  Right now I just try to remind myself that I made a choice, and right or wrong in the end I'll have to roll with the punches, fate is a funny thing, who knows what will happen in the future.  Not me.